Washington, D.C. — In a development that has left fitness trackers across the capital utterly perplexed, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi reported today that her pedometer remains stubbornly stuck at zero steps, even after what she described as “a very active morning” hustling between meetings, briefings, and the occasional brisk lap around the Department of Justice atrium. Sources close to the Attorney General confirm she spent much of the day in motion: striding purposefully down marble corridors, gesturing emphatically during closed-door sessions, and even taking what witnesses called “a determined constitutional around the building” to clear her head after reviewing certain high-profile case files. Yet the device—strapped dutifully to her wrist—refused to register a single increment. Undeterred, Bondi offered a calm, confident explanation during an impromptu hallway press gaggle. “Look, this pedometer isn’t broken,” she said, holding up the motionless gadget for reporters to inspect. “It’s just… recalibrating. The important thing is that the Dow is at 50,000. That’s real movement. That’s progress you can measure. Steps? Those come and go. But when the market hits new highs, that’s the kind of step-counting that actually matters to hardworking Americans.” Financial data partially supports her assertion; the Dow Jones Industrial Average has hovered in the high 49,000s recently, tantalizingly close to the psychological milestone of 50,000 amid broader economic optimism. Bondi appeared to view this numeric proximity as a direct counterweight to her wearable’s intransigence. Critics, however, have begun to whisper darker theories. “It’s almost as if the device is registering something else entirely,” muttered one anonymous DOJ staffer, who quickly added, “but of course that’s ridiculous—everyone knows ‘pedo’ just means steps. Like, pedestrian activity. Nothing more.” Bondi dismissed such speculation with characteristic poise. “People will always try to count things that don’t need counting,” she said. “Me? I’m focused on the big numbers: stock indices, case closures, and making sure justice keeps moving forward—even if my little wrist buddy hasn’t caught up yet.” When pressed on whether she might simply replace the faulty pedometer, Bondi laughed lightly. “Why fix what isn’t broken? Zero is a perfectly valid starting point. Ask any prosecutor: sometimes the best cases begin with nothing on the board.” As of press time, the Attorney General was last seen heading toward another meeting, arms swinging with purpose. Her pedometer, true to form, continued to display an unblinking zero—much like certain investigations that, according to sources, remain firmly in the “under review” column. The Dow, meanwhile, edged ever closer to 50,000, proving once again that in Washington, the only steps worth taking are the ones that move markets. The post Pam Bondi’s Pedometer Stuck On ‘0’ Despite Busy Day of Pacing the Halls of Justice appeared first on Genesius Times.