There seem to be two different ways of thinking about who we are attracted to, whether it’s in a romantic or a social relationship. Is it that opposites attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? The evidence overwhelmingly shows that likability has much more to do with what we share with others than with the traits that set us apart. In fact, a 2023 study from the University of Colorado Boulder found that historically, romantic couples tend to share between 82% and 89% of the same personality traits. “Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz, a doctoral candidate in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience and the Institute for Behavioral Genetics, in a press release. Two friends who are similar. Photo credit: Canva Knowing that people tend to like those who are similar to them, you should focus on amplifying what you share in common when you meet someone new. Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of The Science of People and author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, shared a three-step process to increase your likability that taps into a psychological phenomenon known as the “similarity-attraction effect.” How to be more likable “How can we use the similarity-attraction effect to be more likable? Easy. You want to highlight your similarities. Here’s how to do this in an authentic way,” Van Edwards says in her video before sharing her three-step process: Step 1: Search for similarities “When you first meet someone, you should constantly be on the lookout for similarities. Are you both drinking red wine? Do you both know the host from work? Do you both love Thai food? Orient your first few conversational topics to find mutual likes and dislikes.” Step 2: Capitalize on similarities “Once you find a similarity, don’t let it pass you by. For example, if they think cilantro tastes like soap—because it does—share in the grossness. Double down on that disgusting little herb by saying, ‘Oh yeah, cilantro is the silent food killer. I’m totally on the same page.’ I’m a big fan of the high five, too. If I hear someone also loves Seinfeld, I’m like, ‘High five.’” Step 3: Extend similarities “This means using the similarity as a conversational diving board. If you both love watching soccer, ask if they’ve ever played. If they’re big into hiking, ask for their favorite trail and maybe throw out an option to go hike together. This builds on the similarity-attraction effect and creates rapport.” Two people hiking together. Photo credit: Canva It’s also important that when we meet people, we ask them about their likes and dislikes, because one of the quickest tricks to being likable when you meet someone new is to ask plenty of questions. Harvard University performed a study and found that after you ask someone the first question, ask two follow-ups, and they’ll be much more likely to like you. Studies show that the most likable people like others. Now, for a tongue-twister takeaway from this likability story: We like people who are like us, and we also like people who like us. “So get real on what you love, and then highlight that love in other people,” Van Edwards says at the end of her video. The post Social skills expert shares the ‘similarity-attraction effect’ that makes you instantly likable appeared first on Upworthy.