In the tradition of serious journalism, The Washington Post on Monday cemented itself in the pantheon of legendary media outlets with this pressing headline: “Do men or women have worse farts? Science has the answer.” Yes, while Americans were watching the immense success of the American military in Iran, the Post elevated the intelligence of its readers with this slop. To make matters more elegant, the Post noted that Monday’s article was an excerpt from a forthcoming article on Tuesday titled, “You’ve Been Pooping All Wrong.” Stop the presses and clear the room, because we finally have the hard-hitting investigative journalism we deserve. “Science has finally settled the age-old debate of whose farts smell worse — men or women,” the Post breathlessly reported. Meet Dr. Michael Levitt, a man who looked at the vast mysteries of human biology and became known to his colleagues as “the King of Farts.” Armed with a gas chromatograph and a dream, Levitt didn’t just study flatulence; he turned it into a high-stakes competitive sport. Levitt’s methodology was pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel. He recruited sixteen “volunteers,” stuffed them with pinto beans, and literally plugged their butts with airtight tubes. But the real MVPs were the “independent judges” whose job description was to huff bags of concentrated rectal exhaust and rank them on a scale of “mild” to “existential crisis.” In 2003, Popular Science called this the worst job in science, which feels like a massive understatement for someone who spent their Tuesday morning sniffing a pinto-bean-powered chemistry set. The earth-shattering results showed women’s farts are more concentrated and toxic, while men favor “quantity over quality,” producing half a cup of gas per toot. The article called this a literal tie in the battle of the bowels. Levitt even took his expertise to NASA, ensuring astronauts don’t asphyxiate on their own internal atmosphere. If you’re gassy on a flight, don’t blame the burrito; blame the Ideal Gas Law (PV=nRT). Physics dictates that as cabin pressure drops, your colon must expand like a vengeful balloon. So, the next time you’re at 30,000 feet, just remember: you aren’t being rude, you’re just a victim of thermodynamics. Science is truly breath … taking. And the Post should really, really be taken as a serious news organization.