WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another masterclass in non-violence and empathy, 31-year-old California teacher and engineer Cole Tomas Allen joined the proud tradition of the “Hate Has No Home Here” movement on Saturday night by allegedly attempting to assassinate President Donald Trump and members of his administration outside the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Armed with a shotgun, handgun, and knives, Allen reportedly rushed a security checkpoint at the Washington Hilton, exchanging gunfire with law enforcement before being taken into custody. President Trump was unharmed and quickly escorted to safety, proving once again that the only thing faster than progressive rhetoric is Secret Service response time. “This is not who we are,” said a visibly shaken progressive commentator who had spent the previous week calling Trump a threat to democracy. “We stand for love, dialogue, and occasionally writing manifestos about becoming a ‘Friendly Federal Assassin’ while criticizing Trump administration policies. Clearly, this was a cry for help from a deeply tolerant soul.” According to family notes sent minutes before the incident, Allen expressed his heartfelt belief that it was his duty to target Trump officials, all while presumably humming along to whatever playlist accompanies one’s journey from classroom to would-be shooter. Friends described him as “passionate about social justice,” a phrase now rivaling “quiet neighbor” in the annals of post-incident euphemisms. A candlelight vigil is being organized not for the president or the officers who stopped the attack, but for Allen’s mental health and the “systemic oppression” that forced him to travel across the country with an arsenal. Organizers emphasized that while shots were fired, the real violence is the existence of a second Trump term. “Political violence has no place in our society,” explained Dr. Lena Virtue-Signal, appearing via Zoom from her gated community. “That’s why we must relentlessly demonize half the country as literal Nazis, fascists, and existential threats—purely as a form of peaceful resistance, of course. This unfortunate kinetic discourse is simply blowback from all that mean tweeting.” Meanwhile, “Hate Has No Home Here” yard signs continue to sell briskly in blue suburbs, providing homeowners with the dual comfort of moral preening and a convenient explanation for why they now need reinforced doors and private security. At press time, Allen was recovering from injuries sustained during his arrest, while the media worked overtime to avoid any mention of his anti-Trump writings or the pattern of similar “mostly non-violent” incidents. The president, displaying his usual lack of decorum, referred to the suspect as a “sick person” instead of issuing the required statement about collective societal guilt and platforming. In related news, attendance at the Correspondents’ Dinner reportedly remained high, with journalists bravely continuing their vital work of tut-tutting about threats to democracy—right up until the moment democracy’s critics started shooting again. The post Someone from the “Hate Has No Home Here” crowd just tried to kill another person again appeared first on Genesius Times.