Fashion’s most spectacular event returned. Anyone who is apparently someone gathered in Manhattan for the Met Gala.  And I know what you’re thinking: “Sorry, Klavan, what were you saying? I dozed off after the word spectacular. One moment, I was listening to you blather about fashion, then suddenly I was walking through a sky-blue emptiness decorated entirely with pictures of my mother, and mysterious voices were revealing all my secret sexual fantasies so that suddenly I started screaming, ‘Just a minute, this isn’t heaven, this is the other place!’ Then I woke up, and you were talking about celebrities or something. So what the hell is going on?” Alright, that may not be exactly what you were thinking. In fact, maybe that’s what I was thinking. Or maybe that was reality, and this is the nightmare, in which case, let’s get back to the Met Gala. Every year, rich people who seem to think highly of themselves for no discernible reason gather at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to desecrate its wonderful art collection by dressing up like idiots and then posing and flouncing around for the cameras like idiots who are also pansies but still idiots. These are the individuals whose fabulous glamor holds our cultural elites in fascinated thrall, while the rest of us are watching Shane Gillis because at least he has some talent, so we know why we’re looking at him. But, of course, the Met Gala’s biggest attraction is the amazing outfits that show off how God gifted these women with beauty and these men with homosexuality. Famous designers go to the absolute limits of their lack of talent to create dresses for women who have absolutely everything except the simple dignity to cover themselves when they go outside lest they be exposed as narcissistic exhibitionists with nothing to contribute to society besides an inappropriate glimpse of their supposed-to-be-private parts. This year’s prize for the least amount of modesty went to Kylie Jenner, who simply sent her bare breasts to the gala while the rest of her stayed home watching “Temptation Island” with a Budweiser Select 55 and a bucket of wings. Madonna arrived shrouded in black as if she were dead. Which really wasn’t all that shocking, until the EMTs showed up to carry her out to the hearse and she started shrieking, “Wait, wait, I’m still alive,” which surprised everyone. Doctors examined Madonna and declared that, yes, she was still alive, so only her career should be buried. Sarah Paulson, who is very famous for I have no idea what, bought her $100,000 ticket out of her $12 million net worth in order to wear a dollar bill mask to protest wealthy people by dramatizing the fact that money is blind. Paulson made a dramatic entrance until she walked forehead first into a low-hanging water pipe, reeled backward and smashed into a wall, then stumbled to the very brink of a descending stairway and murmured, “Maybe I should’ve put some eye-holes in this dollar mask,” before she tried to walk away but instead somersaulted down the stairs into the museum’s Egyptian wing, where she had a flirtatious chat with a man who’d been dead for three and a half thousand years. Singer Stevie Nicks was also there. Nicks recently revealed she was glad she had had an abortion, because if she’d let her child live, there would have been no Fleetwood Mac. Nicks wore an outfit with a large empty space in the middle to show where her soul used to be. Cultural elites were also delighted to see their new favorite celebrity, White House Correspondents’ Dinner attacker Cole Tomas Allen. Allen, wearing an elegant orange jumpsuit, was released from jail to attend the Met Gala after DEI Judge Zia Faruqui apologized for having him locked up when all he’d done was try to shoot the president, and let’s face it, who hasn’t at this point? All in all, the fashion spectacular was a sparkling and glamorous reminder that even the mightiest nations ultimately succumb to corruption and produce an elite class so useless and perverse, it drags a civilization that was the labor of centuries into a hellish oblivion. But at least they dress badly.