At any proper funeral, the deceased must actually be dead. It reflects very badly on everyone if they suddenly run off in the middle of the ceremony. Some scholars have proposed tying them up, at least to prevent heart attacks, but that is of little use if they insist on singing a Rolling Stones song in the middle of the choir’s requiem. Excessive weeping for the deceased is unwise, even if they happened to be a good person, which is a very rare occurrence. The living dead are usually a great nuisance and are particularly fond of bursting into “Angie” and disrupting the service. The coroner, Asintov Lathuna, defended the funeral practice of “killing the dead” in order to avoid unpleasant surprises, but the family usually objects. If there is no family, the old ladies in the first pew on the right will object instead; though they never knew the deceased, they are more offended on his behalf than the corpse itself. Any option other than holding a funeral for a dead person is a bad idea. If you know or suspect that the deceased is alive, organize a wedding or a first communion. But not a funeral. The weather should preferably be cold and rainy. It is advisable to call the weather service before dying. The priest must be properly certified. The church selected should actually look like a church, which rules out most of those built in Europe after 1970, when Catholic architecture fell into the hands of the enemies of the faith. The church may be decorated with flowers. However, care should be taken to ensure that the flowers are not decorated with a church. And if the sacristan is to be present, he should remain silent. To facilitate the attendance of the faithful, it is advisable to state the day and time clearly in the obituary. However, we shall not be able to do so, because in the end, we know neither the day nor the hour. A space in the obituary will therefore be devoted to briefly explaining this minor theological inconvenience. The active participation of potential heirs in the ceremony should be kept to a minimum, since they have a tendency to go off script and ask the faithful to join them in prayers “for the proper payment of the inheritance.” At some funerals, at the height of the ceremony, a relative suddenly breaks into poetry. If the subject cannot be subdued before proceedings begin, at the very least, the verses should be prevented from rhyming, in any of the many possibilities offered by the richness of meter. The overall tone of the funeral should be somber but restrained. Excessive weeping for the deceased is unwise, even if they happened to be a good person, which is a very rare occurrence. Nor are fits of laughter looked upon kindly. The proper balance must be struck here, and it always springs from common sense. The celebrant may make a lighthearted remark about the deceased to break the ice, but it should be mild enough to avoid offending the dead person and causing them to refuse to cooperate for the remainder of the proceedings. When a deceased person becomes angry, funerals tend to end badly. Though truth be told, a funeral rarely ends well, since it begins rather badly, with a corpse lying there. It is important that the priest be on the side of the deceased, however much of a scoundrel he may have been. Fortunately, God’s mercy is infinite, and His ways are unfathomable, so anyone trying to guess the eternal destiny of the departed is merely wasting time. Ideally, the Mass should be in Latin, including the homily, in which case the preacher will wisely choose to have it written out beforehand. This will make it easier for the priest not to get carried away by the fervor of the moment and canonize the deceased while he is still warm, prompting the faithful to exchange the necessary prayers for the soul of the departed for a celebratory drunken spree and a Te Deum. Dress should be appropriate to the occasion. If flowers are worn in the hair or on the lapels, they should be wilted. Black is the universal color of mourning, but only for clothing. It is not a good idea to paint your face with shoe polish on this occasion; you might be mistaken for Obama. During the funeral, whether it is hot or cold, nobody should undress, nor, of course, undress anyone else. And all forms of plunging necklines should be avoided, especially among men. After the ceremony, the proper thing to do is to go home or celebrate, but always outside the church. This applies both to the victim’s family and to the victims of the family’s most tiresome friends. And if the funeral is with the body present, it is advisable that the body become officially absent before the church is locked up. Don Julián, all 93 years of him, is coming tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. to celebrate Mass, and he is not in the mood for any surprises. READ MORE from Itxu Diaz: National Security Alert: California Is a CCP Experiment, and There Is an Urgent Need for a Clean-Up Across All Institutions How to Become a True Fan of the 2026 FIFA World Cup That Fleeting Stupidity: Remembering the Horror and the Magic of Adolescence