When Cassie noticed Craig had left his phone on the kitchen table before going outside to mow the grass, she checked it to see which tabs were open. Over the last few months, Craig had seemed emotionally distant, and this worried Cassie. She braced herself as she scrolled through his history, assuming their recent lack of connection meant Craig’s problem with pornography had flared up yet again. Cassie had known for a long time that she needed to speak up about Craig’s porn use, but she hadn’t been able to muster the courage. This time, Craig’s search history surprised her. He’d been researching ways to get a divorce. Often, people wait too long before seeking help for their faltering marriages, but several factors may indicate your marriage needs care. Below, we’ve outlined specific questions that can help you be more aware of potential trouble. If you notice any of these warning signs, don’t wait around expecting your difficulties to resolve without effort. Be proactive. If one spouse thinks there’s a problem in one or more of these areas, there is a problem. Reach out for help from your pastor, small-group leader, or another person in leadership in your local church. 1. Poor Communication Communication is the necessary foundation of any relationship; it’s impossible to build a solid marriage without it. Healthy communication helps couples address challenges and concerns, solve problems, make decisions, and face trials together. Spouses sometimes confuse little to no communication with peace. But silence may be a way of avoiding conflict. Don’t let the quiet lull you into a false sense of security. It may be an indicator that your relationship has gotten worse. The absence of conflict isn’t true peace; it’s often evidence one partner in the marriage feels defeated or that both have given up. The absence of conflict isn’t true peace; it’s often evidence one partner in the marriage feels defeated or that both have given up. Every couple experiences some miscommunication, but seeking pastoral help and biblical counsel is a good idea if you and your spouse have regular misunderstandings in day-to-day conversations, fight frequently, or consistently bury and avoid conflict. If communication is your primary problem, be encouraged. Healthy, God-honoring communication habits are relatively easy to learn, and once you do, you’ll be able to address many other marital challenges you may face together. How do you handle conflict with your spouse? Do you tend to go silent? Do you get angry and argumentative? How does your spouse respond to conflict? On average, how much of your communication with your spouse builds one another up versus tearing each other down? How often are you and your spouse alone together? Of that time, how much is spent talking versus being on your phone or doing something else in silence? 2. Lack of Intimacy Marriage should be one of the closest relationships two people can have. The Bible describes marriage as two people becoming one (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5–6; Eph. 5:31). Most couples begin marriage with an intense desire to be close. When we conduct premarital counseling, we ask, “What are you most looking forward to about marriage?” Almost every couple says their greatest desire is to be together all the time. They want to go on dates and not have to part ways at night’s end. They want to share every part of life with each other. Yet as time goes on, the excitement of the honeymoon tends to fade. That’s normal. The goal is for the novelty to be replaced by a maturing intimacy. Unfortunately, spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacy don’t deepen for many couples. The desire to be close fades. Acts of intimacy such as deep conversation, shared experiences, and lovemaking dwindle or even disappear. This drift can occur during any season of marriage, but when either spouse recognizes it, the couple should seek counseling. In some marriages, one spouse may deny there’s an intimacy problem while the other insists on it. This situation is a good indicator that you should reach out for help. If you can’t agree that a problem exists, you need a third party to help you see reality clearly. When was the last time you and your spouse had a deep, heartfelt conversation? Has your communication been reduced to talking primarily about life’s daily logistics? Has your sexual relationship become more duty than delight? Is it a source of regular conflict? Has it disappeared altogether? Does the idea of having an evening alone with your spouse excite, bore, or disgust you? 3. Wandering Eyes and Hearts The phrase “forsaking all others” is common in marriage vows. Keeping this vow requires focused devotion, directing our romantic love entirely toward our spouse. Romantic love involves our whole person; it’s heartfelt commitment, tenderness, and unique physical affection that includes but isn’t limited to sex. Sexual lust is a weed that grows quickly and leads to enslavement. It involves your heart, not just your eyes, and it may be stimulated by traditional pornography or by reading romance novels that awaken sexual desire. If either spouse is fantasizing about someone outside the marriage, trouble is brewing. Pursue care and counseling from your church at the earliest sign you or your spouse has been ensnared by lust. And if either spouse is involved with pornography, the couple should pursue marriage counseling immediately. Husband and wife should meet with a counselor (or multiple counselors) separately. Sometimes there will be joint sessions, but individual counseling is necessary to address each spouse’s specific needs. Are there other people you’d rather spend time with instead of your spouse? Is there anyone other than your spouse at the center of your sexual fantasies? Are either of you using any form of pornography? 4. Lack of Mutual Support Marriage vows also include the call to love and cherish one another in good times and bad. Through life’s ups and downs, spouses should be each other’s greatest advocates, cheerleaders, and supporters. We should be teammates, not opponents; for one another, not against each other. This means you should respect your spouse as one with equal shares invested in the relationship. Always value your spouse’s input as you work together toward agreed-on goals. This doesn’t mean you can’t disagree. Nor does it mean you never address sin or foolishness in your spouse’s life. Being for your spouse means you want what’s best for him or her, even if it means having difficult conversations. We don’t marry people we despise or want to be against. Yet over time, we can become increasingly selfish, unsupportive, and prideful. We may allow our frustrations with our spouse to turn him or her into a rival. Generally, this starts slowly and accelerates if we continue down this path without addressing our sin. Do your words typically build up or tear down your spouse? What are the predominant emotions you feel when you think of your spouse? Are you willing to let your spouse dream big? Do you dismiss or crush your spouse’s ideas? Have you rushed into a major life decision without taking time to get on the same page with your spouse? 5. Lack of Spiritual Unity God must be central in your marriage. He’s the tie that binds, the cornerstone, and the sure foundation. A marriage without Christ at the center can’t flourish. We should be teammates, not opponents; for one another, not against each other. A Christian’s first love must always be Jesus. We were created by God and for him (Rom. 11:36). When you love someone, you want to share that person with the other people you love most. In the same way, if you love Christ, you should want to share your love for him with your spouse. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (CSB) says, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” This verse addresses more relationships than marriage, but the principle taught here certainly applies to husbands and wives. When God joins with two people in close fellowship, he makes their connection stronger. How often do you have conversations with your spouse about God? Are there times when pleasing your spouse is more important to you than pleasing the Lord? Is pursuing growth in spiritual wisdom together on your radar? Is it a guiding principle in your life? No marriage will experience perfection in any of these areas, let alone all of them. It’s normal to have occasional challenges, and each is an opportunity to grow. But if you notice a negative pattern developing, or an increase in the frequency and intensity of your trouble, reach out to your local church for help.