WASHINGTON — In a bold escalation of its long-running performative governance strategy, the Republican National Committee and key congressional leadership have unanimously voted to dispatch what aides are calling “the most strongly-worded letter yet” — this time directed at whoever, exactly, is responsible for the unbroken track record of previous strongly-worded letters achieving absolutely nothing.

The forthcoming missive, currently in its seventeenth draft and growing more indignant with each semicolon, will reportedly open with the phrase “We are deeply concerned — nay, outraged — to observe that our prior expressions of deep concern and outrage appear to have been met with what can only be described as callous indifference.”

Sources close to the drafting process say the letter will then catalog, in exhaustive bullet-point form, the staggering volume of prior strongly-worded correspondence that has failed to alter the behavior of courts, executive agencies, foreign governments, Twitter users with more than seventeen followers, and gravity itself.

“We have sent strongly-worded letters about border security, election integrity, Big Tech censorship, inflation, the price of eggs, critical race theory in pre-K coloring books, and the improper use of the term ‘folks’ by federal employees,” explained one senior GOP staffer who requested anonymity because he is tired of explaining things. “And yet the recipients continue to behave as though our letters were merely decorative stationery. It is time someone answered for this affront.”

The planned correspondence will conclude with a stern warning that, should the mysterious forces neutralizing Republican strongly-worded letters fail to provide a satisfactory explanation within thirty business days (excluding federal holidays, August recesses, and days ending in ‘y’), the party reserves the right to compose yet another strongly-worded letter — “and this time we mean it.”

Critics of the strategy, mostly confined to people who read past the headline, have pointed out that the last time a strongly-worded letter produced measurable change was approximately never. Defenders counter that the letters serve a vital constitutional purpose: giving cable news bookers something to put on lower-third graphics while pundits argue about whether the outrage is sufficiently performative.

House Speaker (or whoever currently holds that rotating title) issued a statement through a spokesperson: “The American people deserve answers. And if those answers do not arrive, we will demand them again — in writing, on official letterhead, with our most disapproving font.”

At press time, staffers were still debating whether to include an ultimatum threatening a floor speech containing the phrase “enough is enough,” or to go nuclear and attach a signed copy of the Constitution with angry underlining already done in red Sharpie.

The White House has not yet responded to the impending letter, though insiders report that staffers there maintain a special “Recycling” bin labeled “Strongly Worded GOP Letters – Do Not Open Unless You Enjoy Vintage Outrage.”

Should the current effort also fail to yield results, Republican leadership has already begun preliminary discussions on the nuclear option: a very strongly-worded letter.

Stay tuned for updates — or, more accurately, stay tuned for the same updates recycled with fresh adjectives.

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