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How to find effective, no-nonsense therapy for men
If you told me even 10 years ago that I would be writing for a conservative publication like Align, I would have chuckled. Had you told me that I would be writing about issues of concern to men, about what men are and what they need, I would have guffawed.Until about eight years ago, I was a typical liberal gay guy. Democrat, leftist, feminist. Wait — don’t close your browser tab! If you had a good mother, you will likely pick good women. If you had a wicked mother, the women you pick will be disasters.I understand the urge; people like me helped lay waste to American culture for a long time. But as Irving Kristol said of himself, I was mugged by reality over these last eight years. I came out on the other side as a conservative and a traditionalist.For decades, our culture has been trying to turn men into women and women into men. Because of that, some of you may not be well-disposed to hear an argument in favor of psychotherapy for men. Deliberate handicappingBut what we call “therapy” in 2024 is actively anti-therapeutic. Instead of challenging and helping patients become more whole and self-reliant, what’s called “therapy” today is closer to brainwashing and deliberate handicapping.Instead of teaching clarity and self-reliance, too many practitioners foist leftist social justice ideology onto patients. At absolute best, most of this is merely an expensive hour with someone to complain to — someone who will respond by cooing over you and telling you you’re perfect as you are. At worst, especially if you’re a man, you’ll be told it’s your “male privilege” making you miserable, and wouldn’t you be a better person if you were more feminine?But there is real therapy that can help people who need it, and some genuinely do. I’d like to help give you the best chance of finding it if it would be helpful to you.Mom or 'Mommie Dearest'?Who needs therapy? People like me and maybe people like you. I was raised in a home headed by a mother with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. If you are tempted to write these terms off as “psychobabble,” I ask you to take them seriously. They are very real, and people with them are some of the most deranged and often abusive types you will ever come across. Though it is not a perfect analogy to my childhood, if you’ve read the book or seen the movie "Mommie Dearest," you grasp the gist of what my life was like as a child (minus the money and fame).Those of us raised this way come out extremely damaged. We have trouble having normal emotions, we hate ourselves even if we don’t know it consciously, and we’re prone to making terrible life choices. I became an alcoholic in my teens and did not quit drinking until my mid-40s (I’m 50 now). Many have walked a similar road, and many have had it much worse.If you are a man who had an abusive mother, the effects are profound. The mother is the most important figure in a child’s life; her care and affection cannot be replaced by a substitute. When she is deranged or abusive, your entire view of yourself, of other men, of women, is distorted. It does not matter if you’re straight or gay — all men “marry” their mothers eventually. Gay men do it through intensely close platonic female friendships while straight men romance or marry a version of their mothers.If you had a good mother, you will likely pick good women. If you had a wicked mother, the women you pick will be disasters.Learning what 'normal' isThis is what genuine psychotherapy is for. Most addictions and patterns of self-destructive behavior are rooted in a lack of stable, sane childhood homes. We are all responsible for the choices we make in adulthood, and only we can steer our lives. But those of us from profoundly abusive or neglectful homes have to do extra work later in life to learn what “normal” is.It is true that therapy is not the answer to everything, and what we call therapy today is, let’s say, “overprescribed.” But the fallout from that is that there are many people, including men, who really can benefit from proper psychotherapy who have been scared off from the concept because the whole field has gone femi-woke.How do you find a “real” therapist? I can’t give you a formula that promises success. Pickings are slim. But I’ve been in real psychotherapy for six years with an old school, no-nonsense guy, and it’s been a genuine help. My appointments are also less frequent than they used to be; I’m not advocating being on the couch for decades.While I am not a degreed mental health practitioner, I do offer consulting/coaching (“counseling,” if you prefer) to clients who have personality disordered people affecting their lives. I’m a well-read and knowledgeable layman with experience, and that’s what I offer to those who book time with me. How to find a good therapistOne of the most common questions from my clients is how to find a good therapist and avoid woke practitioners. Here is what I suggest:Go for the oldest therapist possible. They were in school before the woke collapse of the field. My therapist is 70.Men, seek a male therapist, especially if you have “mother wounds.” Part of overcoming them is connecting to other sane, healthy men. Female therapists can be very good, but there is a risk to men with mother wounds of meshing with a female therapist in unhelpful ways.Avoid any therapist who advertises or even mentions LGBTQ+. That is too often an indicator of a leftist ideologue. Besides, any truly competent therapist can help clients of any demographic category.Treat your first session as an interview. Explicitly bring up any concerns in plain language. Example: “I do not believe in gender ideology, and I need to make sure we’re a good fit. What is your position on LBGTQ+?” If you don’t like the answer, move on.Check out organizations run by concerned professionals who want to help clients find productive, non-ideological therapy. The Open Therapy Institute and Critical Therapy Antidote are good places to start.Therapy is not a fix for everything. There’s a lot of wisdom in the notion that getting engaged in activities in the real world with other men can do wonders for a man with a broken spirit. I just bought my first shotgun and had my first of many trips to the shooting range; this is my way of bringing some masculine balance into my life that has been missing. Besides, I live in the country, we have bears, and I’m not relying on cops to save my own hide.Maybe balance for you, the man reading this, is giving real therapy a shot.
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