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Critics worried about Trump’s 70-story White House glow up
Washington, D.C. — In a move that has left architectural purists and budget hawks clutching their artisanal coffee mugs, President-elect Donald Trump has unveiled plans to transform the White House into a gleaming, 70-story Trump Tower, plated entirely in gold. The proposed renovation, dubbed “Make 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Great Again,” has sparked a firestorm of criticism from those who, apparently, have never appreciated the subtle elegance of a skyscraper-sized branding opportunity.
The plan, sketched on a cocktail napkin during a Mar-a-Lago brunch, envisions a towering monument to opulence, complete with a rotating “TRUMP” sign visible from space, a rooftop golf simulator, and a ground-floor McDonald’s franchise offering “Bigly Macs.” The iconic white facade of the current White House will be replaced with 24-karat gold panels, because, as Trump reportedly said, “Nothing says ‘leader of the free world’ like a building that shines brighter than my hair.”
Critics, predictably, are apoplectic. “This is an assault on history!” wailed architectural historian Penelope Worthington-Smythe, adjusting her horn-rimmed glasses. “The White House is a symbol of democracy, not a backdrop for a reality show about conspicuous consumption.” Others have raised concerns about the cost, estimated at $12 billion, though Trump insists it will be “tremendous value, the best value, paid for by Mexico, probably.” When pressed on how Mexico might foot the bill, he suggested they could “send some pesos in a taco truck.”
The design includes practical touches, like a private elevator to whisk the president directly from the Oval Office to a penthouse suite featuring a gold-plated hot tub and a mural of Trump wrestling a bald eagle (tastefully, of course). The Lincoln Bedroom will be rebranded as the “Trump VIP Lounge,” complete with velvet ropes and a mandatory cover charge. The Rose Garden? Now the “Golden Rose Casino and Day Spa.”
Environmentalists have joined the chorus of disapproval, citing the carbon footprint of smelting enough gold to cover a skyscraper. “This is an ecological disaster!” tweeted eco-activist Greta Thunberg, to which Trump responded, “Greta should stick to boats. I’m making the White House sustainable—gold never rusts!” Meanwhile, urban planners warn that a 70-story tower in downtown D.C. violates zoning laws, to which Trump’s team countered, “Zoning is for losers. We’re going huge.”
Some defenders, however, see the project as a bold statement. “The White House is outdated, like a bad hotel with no room service,” said Fox News commentator Buck “Bucko” McPatriot. “Trump’s giving America a headquarters that screams success. You think Putin’s got a gold tower? Xi? No way. We’re winning.”
Historians, meanwhile, are mourning the loss of the White House’s 19th-century charm. “This is like turning the Louvre into a vape shop,” sighed one curator, who requested anonymity for fear of being tweeted into oblivion. But Trump remains unfazed, promising the renovation will be “classy, the classiest, like Versailles but with better branding.”
As the nation braces for a White House that could double as a Las Vegas landmark, critics are left to wonder: in a country where everything is for sale, why not sell the idea of subtlety? After all, as Trump himself put it, “If you’re gonna live in a house, make it the best house. Tremendous. Believe me.”
The post Critics worried about Trump’s 70-story White House glow up appeared first on Genesius Times.
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