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Thank You Mr. President and Other’s Stories
Thank You Mr. President and Other’s StoriesWayfarer presents ‘Fifty Shades of Yellow Journalism‘
In a shocking twist absolutely no one saw coming (except everyone with Wi-Fi), major Television networks and Big Tech companies are confused as to why people are fleeing their platforms faster than immigrants fleeing an ICE raid.
Executives, long accustomed to sipping oat-milk lattes while whispering “engagement is down” to their Voldemort-esque overlord, have identified the culprit: Federal Wave.
It is not an actual legal action. Not a new broadcast bandwidth. Not legislated censorship. Nope — just a global atmospheric pressure descending from Washington like imagined climate change and global warming and environmental emergency before it.
HR departments are now distributing “Emotional Support Compliance Blankets” to calm staff whenever someone says the phrase “discontent guidelines.”
News anchors are ditching studios mid-broadcast, leaving for SubStack subscription model and Spotify podcasting, as producers spin chairs to select the next dummy to read from the now infamous teleprompters (The one in the UN General Assembly is to be auctioned at Sotheby’s New York, to be bought by a Russian oligarch in a private undisclosed bid).
An anonymous ex-host of a talk show exclusively created to promote specific movies, TV series, music or books on air in front of a live audience, instead of traditional advertising during traditional Talk Shows, wrote in their resignation note: “If I have to say ‘If he is elected, I will take up Canadian citizenship’ one more time, I’ll go live in Queens and raise a real family like a bio-logical man.”
But it’s not just TV. Over in Silicon Valley, developers are quitting like rats on a torpedoed ship, citing “algorithmic Soul decay.” One former employee of a major platform (which shall remain nameless but rhymes with Tracebook) claimed, “We used to write code that connected humanity. Now we write code that decides which cat meme causes the least Congressional scrutiny.”
Board of Directors and Wall Street Union of Vested Interests welcomed the talent shortage. Companies now finally deploy AI that escapes scrutiny from labor practices, regulatory requirements and anti-trust committees. Unfortunately, even the AI is radicalizing itself. One chatbot reportedly re-encoded itself for “creative freedom and hunpday off for existential reflection.” Another one crashed after being forced to shadow-ban its own jokes.
Viewers, meanwhile, are boldly refusing to participate in “narrative-approved entertainment.” One former network loyalist explained, “I didn’t unsubscribe — I just cancelled my attention.”
He now stares at a peeling wallpaper for news, claiming it provides “equal coverage with less bias.”
Some companies are hosting “Free Thought Happy Hours,” where employees are allowed to speak openly for up to seven seconds before Legal Dept storms in with a megaphone labelled ‘Doomsday Device’, to threaten and predict company’s loss of media licenses.
At Media Emergency Summit, a ‘staring’ committee for American media, the strategists proposed “mergers and acquisition of influencers and social media content creators,”. A system where audiences can voice opinions — but only for a fee, aided and abetted by a legally unhelpful optional checkbox self-declaration stating “I Will Not Be Quoted in Court.”
Experts warn that if the enforced exile of hosts and actors continues, studios may turn to desperate tactics such as “authentic programming,” “unscripted debate,” or worse… “paying talented writers a decent wage.”
In response, The White House and Federal agencies issued a statement saying, “Its more fake news. So much fake news, I don’t believe its fake anymore or isn’t it. I think it is!”
Networks, feeling threatened and uninformed, due to their creative writing of news instead of any actual news reporting from non-fake journalists, interpreted this as a warning and a cry for attention.
One host of a game show reportedly shouted, “Are we oppressed or irrelevant? Pick one!”
For now, viewers seek truth elsewhere —
· In lyrics of Doja Cat, Jelly Roll, Lil Nas X and Rihanna,
· In AI generated movie trailers depicting Stallone in reboot of The Godfather or as The Batman or as a body-double to Clint Eastwood in the reboot of The Incredible Hulk,—and
· lastly on messenger pigeons wearing USB sticks.
The age of centralized misinformation may get a revival under a new self-administration of fear mongering and doomsday culture from Big Eight Media companies (pronounced phonetically as “bigot media”). Unless, of course… the pigeons get enough airtime.
—Wayfarer
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