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BREAKING: Gavin Newsom Signs Bill Making It Illegal for Anyone in California to Talk Except Him
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a bold legislative move that has left political analysts, constitutional scholars, and anyone with a mouth utterly speechless, California Governor Gavin Newsom has signed a groundbreaking new bill into law: The Gavin Has the Floor Act, which makes it illegal for anyone in the state to speak unless their name is Gavin Newsom.
At a signing ceremony that, naturally, featured Newsom speaking for three hours uninterrupted, the governor explained the law’s importance: “Frankly, California needs my leadership, my vision, and, most importantly, my voice. I’m just better at it than everyone else,” Newsom stated, after dramatically sipping from a sustainably sourced artisanal water bottle.
The bill, which passed with overwhelming support from California’s Democratic supermajority (with no verbal debate, of course), aims to address what Newsom calls “a plague of uninformed, non-Gavin speech” that has contributed to misinformation, confusion, and “way too many opinions I don’t agree with.”
Under the new law, any non-Newsom Californians caught speaking will be fined $500 per word, with repeat offenders facing mandatory “Listening Camps” where they are required to watch Newsom’s speeches on a continuous loop. Exceptions to the rule include whispering in the presence of houseplants, texting complaints to customer service, and barking by dogs (though only after receiving a special permit from the state).
“I’m doing this for the people,” Newsom explained as his hair shimmered in the California sunlight. “Let’s face it: nobody has anything worthwhile to say anymore, except me.”
Critics, naturally silent under the threat of legal action, have raised concerns about the constitutionality of the law. However, Newsom reassured citizens that he consulted with a panel of experts before signing the bill—all of whom were himself. “I gave it some serious thought and came to the conclusion that it’s absolutely the right thing to do. And who could know better than me?”
The governor emphasized that the law is a win for democracy, noting that California’s legislature had a record-setting voting process where, for the first time, there was zero dissent, mainly because no one was allowed to speak. “The silence was inspiring,” said one anonymous lawmaker via a series of nods and meaningful glances.
California residents, now referred to as “Gavinites,” are reportedly adjusting to the new law. “At first, I didn’t know how to express myself,” wrote one citizen in a note passed discreetly to a local reporter. “But then I remembered, why would I need to? Gavin’s saying everything that needs to be said.”
Meanwhile, economists are predicting a boom in the state’s writing, mime, and interpretive dance industries, as Californians search for new ways to communicate their thoughts without actually saying them. Sign language classes have also skyrocketed in popularity, though critics fear Newsom may soon move to outlaw gestures as well, citing “excessive finger-pointing.”
Newsom’s office has already hinted at future expansions to the law, including a potential ban on looking directly at him unless pre-approved by a panel of his reflections.
“We’re making California quieter, more efficient, and way more Gavin-centric,” Newsom said proudly. “You’re welcome, California. Now shhh.”
The post BREAKING: Gavin Newsom Signs Bill Making It Illegal for Anyone in California to Talk Except Him appeared first on Genesius Times.
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