It's bold but true: There’s no one alive who doesn’t feel some anxiety about making small talk with other people. The difference is that some confront their fears because they know the incredible benefits that it can mean for their social life, romantic prospects, and careers, while some shy away and miss out on many opportunities.People who avoid small talk may believe those who excel at it are naturally charismatic or have been blessed with the “gift of gab.” However, many great conversationalists honed their skills and have a set of rules, techniques, and strategies they use when speaking to people, just like how people who do improvisational comedy or acting have a set of rules to follow to put everyone on the same page. Confident, sociable people may make engaging with others look effortless, but that’s because they have a strategy. A couple shares a pizza on a date. Credit: Danny Villegas/Pexels What is the 30-second rule?New York Times bestselling author and founder of the Maxwell Institute, John C. Maxwell, had a rule whenever he started a conversation: “Within the first 30 seconds of a conversation, say something encouraging to a person.” This can work in any social or professional situation, for example:At work:“Wendy, I heard you did great on yesterday’s conference call.”“Frank, I hear the clients really love working with you.”At a party:“Mohammed, I really loved those pictures you posted on Instagram on your trip to Mexico.”“Sang, are we going to get some of your incredible barbecue today?”On a date:“Thanks for choosing such a great restaurant, it has such a nice ambiance.”“I really like the way your necklace brings out your eyes.”Whether you are complimenting, relaying positive information about the person, or encouraging them, the key is to pump them up and make them feel good about themselves. The 30-second rule fits nicely into Maxwell’s overall view of relationships: “Those who add to us, draw us to them. Those who subtract, cause us to withdraw,” he said. - YouTube www.youtube.com The key to giving the other person encouragement is to do so genuinely. If you aren’t genuine with your compliments or words of encouragement, your words can have the opposite effect and make the other person feel like you are being condescending. How does encouragement make people feel?Studies have shown that when people hear words of encouragement, they feel good and have a burst of energy. Psychologist Henry H. Goddard studied tired children and found that they had a burst of energy when he said something encouraging to them. But when he said something negative, they became even more tired.Ultimately, a direct connection exists between being likeable and being genuinely interested in other people. William King once said, “A gossip is one who talks to you about other people. A bore is one who talks to you about himself. And a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.” You can do it! Every time you start a new conversation with someone, take the opportunity to share some words of encouragement with the other person, and you’ll be on your way to being seen as a brilliant conversationalist.This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.

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