HELL—In a development that has even the most jaded demons reaching for their pitchforks, Hell descended into unprecedented chaos this week following the arrival of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney. What was once a model of efficient, if eternally painful, damnation has devolved into a patchwork of skirmishes, proxy battles, and no-bid contracts, leaving residents wondering if the Prince of Darkness has finally met his match. “I don’t know what the heck happened,” said a visibly disoriented Satan, adjusting his horns during an exclusive interview amid the acrid smoke of a fresh battlefield. “One minute it’s glorious fire and brimstone, then war breaks out everywhere when that guy comes in.” Hell, long regarded as the gold standard for organized evil, hasn’t witnessed this level of gratuitous destruction since its founding, sources close to the matter confirmed. “We had a system,” one imp whispered. “Torture queues. Eternal poker games with loaded decks. Now? It’s just endless billing disputes.” Cheney, 84, arrived with the unassuming fanfare befitting a man whose earthly tenure included two heart transplants and a fondness for quail hunts gone awry. Beaming from a throne fashioned from repurposed drone parts, he wasted no time embracing his new digs. “This place is awesome,” Cheney remarked, sipping what appeared to be a bottomless martini of liquefied souls. “I get to fund both sides of all this evil. I’m gonna make another fortune down here.” Perks of his entry include unlimited access to the executive lounge—complete with complimentary waterboarding sessions—and a standing invitation to advise on “creative accounting” for brimstone budgets. The former vice president’s optimism extends to family reunions. “I get rewarded for being evil all the time!” he added, scrolling through what looked suspiciously like a Halliburton app on a hellfire tablet. “I hope Liz gets here soon, cuz we are going to make some well deserved cash.” Daughter Liz Cheney, currently navigating mortal politics with a mix of principled barbs and inherited tax strategies, is said to be “prepping her pitch deck” for a potential infernal merger. For Satan, the red-horned CEO of damnation, the arrival has been less a homecoming and more a hostile takeover. “A visibly shaken Satan could only say, ‘I fear this guy,'” recounted Beelzebub, who requested anonymity due to ongoing performance reviews. “My reign of evil may be coming to an end. This Cheney is what Hell is all about. I hope I can still be its leader.” The Devil, known for his flair in temptations ranging from forbidden fruit to subprime mortgages, now faces the prospect of rebranding—or at least updating his LinkedIn. Theologians, rarely consulted on such matters, were quick to weigh in with the solemnity of a papal bull. “Hell can’t have two leaders,” opined Dr. Damien Faustus, chair of Eschatological Economics at the University of Pandemonium. “It will be up to Satan to up his game if he wants to be its leader. Cheney’s record on Earth only speaks for itself.” Indeed, the vice president’s earthly ledger—featuring wars in the Middle East, energy policy windfalls, and a duck-hunting shotgun that once felled a friend—positions him as a natural fit for the sulfurous boardroom. “It’s like watching a wolf audit the henhouse,” Faustus added dryly. “Except the wolves are unionized, and the hens are on fire.” Speculation abounds that Cheney’s close ties to Halliburton, the defense contractor synonymous with no-bid glory, will prove the tipping point. “Experts speculate Cheney was able to maintain his close association to Halliburton which will enable the former VP to supply weapons to all sides and be rewarded for it,” noted a leaked memo from the Circle of Greed. Early indicators are promising: infernal munitions deals are already spiking, with demon legions swapping rusty tridents for state-of-the-art cluster munitions. Halliburton’s stock, traded on the New York Stock Exchange but whispered about in the pits of Avarice, is expected to soar—potentially funding a new wing for the Cheney family crypt. As the wars rage on—from the flooded plains of Limbo to the frozen depths of Treachery—observers wonder if Hell’s traditional motto, “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here,” might soon append a footnote: “And Bring Your 401(k).” Satan, for his part, has scheduled sensitivity training on “sharing the spotlight with mortals who out-evil you.” Cheney, meanwhile, is reportedly pitching a sequel: Helliburton: The Reckoning. No comment was available from the White House, though a spokesperson noted that “eternal damnation is a personal journey.” For now, the only certainty is that in the afterlife, as in politics, the house always wins—unless Dick Cheney owns the deed. The post BREAKING: Wars Breakout All Over Hell As Dick Cheney Welcomed In appeared first on Genesius Times.

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