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Chicago proves it doesn’t need National Guard by only killing 7 and injuring 54 over weekend
In a bold display of civic pride, Chicago residents celebrated the city’s decision to keep the National Guard at bay over the weekend, marking the occasion with a festive tally of 7 dead and 54 injured in a series of shootings across the city. The impromptu “Freedom from Intervention” gala, as locals dubbed it, showcased Chicago’s commitment to handling its own affairs with characteristic flair.
“We don’t need outsiders coming in to tell us how to live,” said local resident and self-proclaimed community organizer, Rayquan Jones, ducking behind a parked car to avoid stray bullets. “This is our city, and we’ll solve our problems the Chicago way—loudly and with questionable aim.”
The weekend’s festivities kicked off Friday night with a series of block parties that quickly escalated into what authorities described as “a masterclass in chaos.” By Sunday evening, the city’s hospitals were reportedly turning away patients due to a shortage of beds, bandages, and patience. “We’re used to it,” sighed Dr. Emily Chen, an ER physician at Stroger Hospital, as she stitched up her 14th gunshot wound of the night. “It’s like Groundhog Day, but with worse outcomes.”
City officials, meanwhile, hailed the absence of the National Guard as a victory for local autonomy. “Chicagoans have shown they can manage their own destiny,” Mayor Brandon Johnson declared from an undisclosed, heavily fortified location. “Seven fatalities and 54 injuries is a small price to pay for self-determination. We’re trending in the right direction.”
Residents took to the streets to celebrate their independence with fireworks, some of which were suspiciously bullet-shaped. Neighborhoods like Englewood and Austin hosted particularly lively events, with attendees describing the atmosphere as “electric, mostly from the muzzle flashes.” Local entrepreneur Tasha Williams set up a pop-up stand selling commemorative T-shirts reading “Chicago: We Got This,” though sales were reportedly interrupted by a drive-by.
Critics of the city’s stance argued that the National Guard’s presence might have dampened the festivities. “I’m not saying we need the military on every corner,” said community activist Maria Lopez, “but maybe a few Humvees could’ve reminded people to aim for the sky instead of each other.” Her comments were met with swift rebuttals from locals, who insisted that outside intervention would only dilute Chicago’s unique cultural vibrancy.
As the city begins its cleanup efforts—consisting mainly of sweeping shell casings into storm drains—residents remain defiant. “We don’t need the National Guard,” said lifelong Chicagoan Marcus Evans, reloading his optimism for next weekend. “We’ve got enough firepower and community spirit to keep this party going all year.”
In related news, the Chicago Police Department has announced a new initiative to distribute “Hug It Out” bumper stickers to reduce future celebratory casualties. Early reports suggest the stickers are being used as target practice.
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