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Many of us may assume that kids who bully other kids don't have parents teaching them right from wrong, but that's not always true. While a dysfunctional home or lack of parental guidance can lead to bad behavior, even kids from solid families with attentive, conscientious parents can have lapses in judgment. Good kids can fall to peer pressure or "try on" certain behaviors that go against what their parents teach them. Case in point: a parent who posted a message to a local message board explaining how they handled seeing their kids bullying another kid. A parent shared this message on a local Facebook group.Via MothersMiIk/Reddit The message was addressed to the parents of a junior high school student who might have come home "very distraught." She explained that he seemed to have some sort of hearing device and described where he was walking with his class. "Just know that I am so sorry and that I see you," she wrote. "I witnessed my kids picking on your kid. I could see how angry he was. I stepped out of my vehicle as soon as I realized what was going on, and I intervened and I had his back. I have talked to my children. It won't happen again. Please tell your kiddo that we are so sorry, and expect an apology from my junior high-aged child tomorrow at school. We are not raising bullies here." The screenshot shared on Reddit received praise from other parents in the comments: "And that's the way you do it!! Good on you for teaching your child what is acceptable and what is not.""Wish more parents were like this instead of making excuses or pretending their kids are angels. Takes guts to step up when you see your own child being awful." parenting moms GIF by Cat & Nat Giphy "It’s rare but beautiful when parenting looks like accountability in real time.""Parenting done right.""Wife and I have told both our kids that if they are being bullied, then they have carte blanche to defend themselves, regardless of how the school wishes to punish them. However, if we learn THEY are being the bullies, then whatever punishment the school provides will be NOTHING on what they get at here at home.""I’m so glad there’s parents like this. My 2 year old is deaf with a hearing device and facial differences caused by his genetic syndrome. I dread him going to school and getting bullied but this gives me hope that there is still good parents raising kids out there!" Strive to raise kind kids. Photo credit: CanvaThere are several steps parents can take to prevent their children from becoming bullies, including teaching them the importance of kindness, fostering empathy, and modeling respectful treatment of others. However, proactive parenting doesn't always take hold, so parents must also be prepared for what to do if their child behaves in a manner that contradicts the way they've been taught. Considering the fact that this parent didn't know who the picked-on kid or his parents were, this message being put out in a community forum was perfect. It included many great elements on how to handle this kind of situation: The parent took immediate action when they noticed what was happening. They supported the child who was being picked on. They acknowledged the emotion the child was feeling and recognized that the child's parents would be upset, too. They didn't defend their children, but explained what they were doing about what had happened and how they were ensuring it wouldn't happen again. And they apologized and ensured that appropriate in-person apologies would also take place. Parenting isn't easy, and our kids can surprise us in both delightful and disturbing ways. It takes years of proactive and reactive effort to mold small humans into conscientious, contributing adults. None of us do it all perfectly, which is why it's nice to see a good, solid parenting example we can all learn something from.

If you’ve ever raised tween girls, been a tween girl yourself, or watched any shows with tweens in them, you’ll be all too familiar with tween girl drama. The eye rolling, the aloofness, the cattiness, the meltdowns…you get the idea. But what if this newfound attitude isn’t just preteen girls being difficult, but a symptom of chronic dysregulation? That was the insight recently given by Dr. Chelsey Hauge Zavaleta, who argued that most parents don’t understand that between the ages of 8 and 12, their daughter's brain is “rewiring itself while her confidence forms.” And because of that, Zavaleta explained, her “nervous system is stuck in a constant state of overwhelm.”“She will be unable to cooperate, not that she won't, not that she's being bratty, refusing, defiant, rude, she cannot cooperate. Her nervous system is too overwhelmed, and your task is to help her bring it down.”Zavaleta then listed the five typical “tween drama” behaviors that, when constant and persistent, could be signs of an overworked nervous system. 1. She can't do basic routines that she has always done before. It's not just laziness. Photo credit: CanvaWhile it might be irksome for parents to now give reminder after reminder for something they know their daughter knows about, Dr. Zavaleta kindly offered the reminder that, “This isn't defiance. She's too dysregulated to access her thinking brain.”2. She makes nasty comments during family time. It's not just sibling rivalry. Photo credit: CanvaThis doesn’t come from meanness so much as deep insecurity. “She's sitting there in your family, feeling judged and alone. The attention feels overwhelming when her nervous system is already maxed out,” said Zavaleta. 3. She doesn't care about stuff she used to care about. It's not just depression.Photo credit: CanvaContrary to what it looks like, she actually cares so much that it is unbearable. To cope, she willfully disconnects. “She cares so much, it hurts, but caring feels dangerous right now. Disconnection is protection when everything feels too intense.”4. She is constantly picking fights with her siblings. It's not just an attitude. Photo credit: Canva“She's looking for connection, but she only knows how to get attention through conflict. Her nervous system is seeking regulation through the friction created by drama,” Zavaleta explained. 5. She cries over “nothing.” It's not just a meltdown. Photo credit: Canva“Spilled milk becomes a huge meltdown,” said Zavaleta, painting a picture. Thing is, “when your system is already flooded, the smallest thing is gonna tip you right over,” she added. “Those tears aren't about the milk, they're about everything else.”When put through this lens, it’s easy to see how “these are not behavior problems to be fixed with consequences,” as Zavaleta put it. Rather, they're “regulation problems” that need co-regulation support from the parents. After all, at this age kids are still hardwired to their parents' nervous systems, making it all the more imperative for parents to model healthy regulation practices. “When you stay calm and grounded, she can access that state as well. When you are also dysregulated because parenting a dysregulated tween is hard, you're both stuck in survival mode.” @drchelsey_parenting Join me for my LIVE webinar DECODING TWEEN GIRLS Comment TWEENGIRL for the registration link- and clear your calendars- being there live is the best thing! ♬ original sound - Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD Bottom line: when you think about all the inner “construction” going on, in addition to external factors—more and more school responsibilities, increasingly complicated friendships, a transforming body, etc.—there’s no doubt that young girls didn’t suddenly become ornery for no reason.When parents feel that a boundary needs to be made, child counselor Katie Lear suggests offering a chance for “do-overs” when they catch an attitude. This helps preteens become more aware and gives them another opportunity to communicate calmly. Alternatively, parents can offer “natural consequences” that help preteens better understand cause and effect. She uses the example of not being available to drive her to a friend if you’re spending time doing the chores she fails to do. None of this makes parenting during the tween phase any easier, per se. However, it does hopefully provide insight and tools that can elicit compassion, strengthen relationships, and offer an opportunity for both parents and children to emerge from a notoriously tumultuous chapter a little more grounded.

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