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BREAKING: Kamala Harris finally achieves goal of unity as everyone comes together against her
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice President Kamala Harris has long spoken about her desire to unite the country, and this week, she finally achieved that goal—albeit not in the way she might have hoped. In a truly historic moment, Americans from all walks of life have come together, united by a single, undeniable truth: They all really, really don’t want Kamala Harris in charge.
In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump and the long-rumored (and now miraculously returned) JFK Jr. have teamed up, setting aside their ideological differences to oppose Harris. The new unlikely duo was spotted at a rally, where they led a crowd of millions in chants of “Anyone but Kamala!”
“It’s a beautiful thing to see,” said Trump, beaming at the sea of MAGA hats mingled with tinfoil hats. “Never in my wildest dreams did I think JFK Jr. and I would be on the same stage. But if it means stopping Kamala, I’m all in.”
JFK Jr., who has been the subject of countless conspiracy theories since his disappearance in 1999, took the stage to rapturous applause, adding, “If there’s one thing that can bring me back from the dead, it’s the thought of Kamala Harris running this country. Enough is enough.”
From the farthest reaches of the political spectrum, everyone has found common ground in their disdain for the VP. Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Independents, even those guys who stand on street corners with signs proclaiming the end is near—all agree that Harris’s brand of leadership is something they simply cannot stand.
“We’ve tried everything to unify this country,” said one Harris staffer, “but who knew the key was just having Kamala around long enough for everyone to realize how much they don’t want her around?”
The movement has grown so large that even international figures are joining in. Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping sent a joint letter to the White House, offering to broker a peace deal if it means Harris steps down. “We don’t often agree with the Americans,” the letter read, “but we’ve finally found some common ground.”
Meanwhile, Harris is taking it all in stride. “I always knew I could bring people together,” she said with her signature cackle. “They say the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so I guess I’ve made a lot of new friends!”
Political analysts are calling this the most unifying moment in modern American history. “If Kamala’s presidency does nothing else,” said one commentator, “it will be remembered for finally bringing America together—against her.”
As the unity movement grows, Harris’s approval ratings have tanked to an unprecedented low, but she remains unfazed. “Unity was my goal all along,” she said, smiling. “And I’ve achieved it. Mission accomplished!”
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