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How to Protect Your Kids from Sexual Abuse
Parents‚ educators‚ caring adults‚ and the church have grown more alert to the need to teach kids tangible ways to stay safe from abuse. Since concerned adults like you and me can’t always be with children‚ we must educate them in concrete‚ child-appropriate safety skills.
Every child is different. Some are naturally more cautious or distrustful; others are carefree risk-takers. It’s helpful to know your children and to shape your conversations around what they need to hear and learn. But whatever your child’s bent‚ here are six ways you can begin to train them in safety skills.
1. Teach kids developmentally appropriate views of sex‚ sexuality‚ and their bodies.
Kids who know correct body parts and God’s view and design for sex (including the boundaries he’s given) are better prepared to identify sinful corruptions of his design. Kids don’t need to grow up thinking sex is shameful or bad but a good part of God’s creation intended for a man and a woman in marriage. The more kids have a positive‚ accurate view of sexuality‚ the more likely they’ll be able to spot the counterfeits.
2. Instruct kids to respect their own bodies and other people’s.
At a minimum‚ respect means not touching other people’s genitals‚ or “private parts.” When talking to kids about this rule‚ don’t be afraid to be specific. Use scientific names for genitalia. Kids should also know it’s wrong for anyone else (aside from a doctor) to touch them in these areas.
Respect also means you don’t do or say things about others’ bodies that may make them uncomfortable. Give kids concrete examples‚ and role play the difference between loving/respectful and unloving/inappropriate treatment of bodies. For example‚ you might say‚ “Always ask permission to give someone a hug. You don’t hug someone who doesn’t want to be hugged. You should never ask others to remove their clothing‚ and they should never ask you to remove your clothes. You don’t make joking comments about someone’s body. You don’t show others pictures‚ video‚ or movies that have naked bodies‚ or include inappropriate talk about bodies.
Using language like “respect” and “love” shows kids what is valuable. When we role play and talk through possible scenarios‚ we guard our kids against those who would cause them harm.
3. Train kids to pay attention to situations and people who make them feel uncomfortable.
Kids may feel uncomfortable for lots of reasons. They may be confused‚ pushed outside their comfort zone‚ or put in a risky situation they can’t make sense of. Some argue children should never have to endure forms of affection that make them uncomfortable lest they learn to ignore signs of abuse‚ but it’s better to teach kids to pay attention to what makes them uncomfortable and evaluate why. For example‚ if your child doesn’t want to hug grandma because “Grandma smells like moth balls‚” you can teach your child that love sometimes moves us towards people who make us uncomfortable. However‚ if your son doesn’t want to hug grandma because she puts him on her lap and pats his bottom‚ then it may be right to let him know he doesn’t have to hug grandma‚ and that you will support him. The key is teaching your children the skill of discernment.
Discernment teaches kids to pause and notice of what makes them uncomfortable and then to evaluate why. Once again‚ practice and role playing is key. Discuss  what makes your child feel uncomfortable and talk through the reasons. Help your child decide what to do in each scenario‚ and encourage her to brainstorm options. This is a great way to help your kids grow in discernment.
4. Instill the ability to discuss hard topics without fear‚ shame‚ or embarrassment.
In order to teach kids to talk about hard things‚ you must model it. It is our job as parents to bring up uncomfortable topics and talk about them openly. Kids watch parents and other adults to find out if a topic is safe to discuss. Our body language and tone of voice demonstrate whether a particular topic is the most comfortable‚ natural thing in the world to talk about‚ or whether it’s a topic mom and dad that makes us uncomfortable. If kids learn that no topic is too difficult for you‚ they’ll learn to come to you when they experience something is uncomfortable. Children are being groomed by our culture to believe that parents are irrelevant. Work hard to demonstrate to your children that you have wisdom to offer.
5. Prepare your kids to disobey.
Tell your kids‚ “If someone tells you the right thing to do‚ you should always do it‚ no matter who it is. If someone tells you the wrong thing to do‚ you should never do it—no matter who it is—and I (as your parent) will support you.”
As parents‚ we spend much of our time teaching our kids obedience. But it’s equally important to teach children when to defy authority. Children are more likely to be abused by someone they know. They must learn not to try to discern someone’s motives‚ but to evaluate his words and actions (regardless of who the person is). Again‚ this won’t only help to prevent a child from abuse‚ but also to stand against a powerful world system that sets itself up against Christian values. Our young people are being groomed by culture to accept evil as good and good as evil. Learning to discern right from wrong—learning when authority is in the right and when it’s wrong—prepares kids to go into the world‚ and not be of the world.
Such discernment must also be constantly practiced. Children need to be given examples of what a babysitter‚ relative‚ teacher‚ or coach may ask them to do that isn’t right‚ and they need to know they have your permission to defy someone who tells them to do the wrong thing. Be willing to brainstorm with your child commands from a babysitter that are wrong‚ and how you’d want them to react. Talk through ways a coach might make them uncomfortable and how they could respond.
6. Teach them the safe people to seek out when in need.
Kids need to know that strangers aren’t necessarily dangerous. Dangerous people are dangerous‚ and dangerous people can be people you know or don’t know. How do you know if someone is dangerous? Watch their words and actions.
Children need to know which people in their lives are wise and safe to turn to in times of need. Talk with your children about who they can trust if parents aren’t available (or if they’re afraid to talk to a parent). Find ways to give your children access to those safe individuals. For example‚ you may want to ensure other safe adults’ phone numbers are in your child’s phone. Explain where and whom to go to if he’s lost and what the child should do and say if he’s in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation.
Children need to know which people in their lives are safe to turn to in times of need.
We don’t want to raise fearful kids‚ but kids confident and equipped for whatever they may face. We want to protect our kids from harm and to help them know what to do when in peril. So as you put in practice these five encouragements‚ be sure to pray with your children about the dangers we face in our fallen world. Model trust in God for them. Cultivate openness about what’s going on in their lives and point out ways you see evidence of God at work. The more our children know God and his ways‚ the safer and wiser they become.
Praise and encourage your kids when they’re willing to talk about tough topics. Role-play hard situations‚ and then role-play through them again. The more your children feel prepared‚ the less they’ll be confused by difficult situations and the more likely they’ll respond well.
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