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People applaud Millennial parents for cutting off Boomer grandparents who spanked their child
The debate over whether to spank your child has been a big topic in the parenting world for decades, and the practice has been on the decline over the past 40-plus years. The shift is clearly generational, with younger parents increasingly preferring nonviolent methods to correct their children's behavior. Those who choose not to spank their children have research on their side. A meta-analysis of 69 longitudinal studies on spanking found that there are no positive outcomes from the practice. Although the science is pretty settled on the topic, the debate persists, especially between older and younger generations. A perfect example of the generational debate appeared recently appeared on Reddit, where 28-year-old Millennial parents of a three-year-old girl had some big problems with the paternal grandmother, 65, spanking their child. Parents are mad at their child's grandmother.via Canva/Photos“We spent New Year's at my parents' with my extended family [in Brazil]. Everything seemed to be going well, until on the 3rd, my wife and I left the house to run some errands, and left my daughter alone with my parents. My daughter is a very smart girl, she loves talking, she's sweet, but opinionated. And we like to encourage that,” the father wrote. Things came to a head when the young girl and her grandmother argued over which cartoon she could watch.“So I sent her a link to a YouTube series she likes to watch, and asked her to put that on instead and tell her that dad and mom would be back soon to talk to her. Next, my mom told me she had ‘already taken care of it.’ I was confused as to what that meant, and she followed to say that she had spanked her to teach her to not to argue,” the father continued.The parents were furious that Grandma spanked their toddler"We do not do spanking, we have never and never will, as someone who was spanked a lot for the most unnecessary and stupid reasons, I understand it does not work and only harms the child. And yes, I had mentioned it to my parents. We had a pretty ugly argument when we arrived, but I kept my position clear," the father continued. "They did not have the right to do that, and I wouldn't be taking it lightly. My parents are very strict in their ways, and they refused to apologize or even acknowledge that what they did was wrong (if not for the spanking, for doing it without my permission)." A child is upset that her parents are having a heated conversation. via Canva/PhotosAfter the argument, the parents took their child and left. Since the disagreement, the grandparents have refused to back down and have argued that they spanked their kids, who turned out fine, so why not spank the grandchild? The rest of the family has repeatedly told the parents that the grandparents have "good intentions" and that they should let it go. The father asked the Reddit AITAH subforum to see if he was right, and just about everyone agreed with him."Your child, your rules. And BTW, they haven't seen this child since she was born, and their idea of bonding with the kid they've never really "met" before is to hit her? Sounds like a dumb way to develop a relationship with a toddler," the most popular commenter wrote. "What's their problem? They don't see her often, so they think they can hit her? Besides, they haven't offered a single apology: they're completely convinced they're in the right... so they'll do it again," another added."I think they don't want to apologize because that's how they raised me, and if they do apologize and admit they were wrong, it won't be just for this instance, but for the way they acted for decades before this. They're too proud for that. The rest of my family is very much like that too," another commenter wrote. "Think of it this way, you're either okay in maintaining a relationship with people who want to hit your child, or allowing them access to do so. Or you're not."After the post went viral and thousands of people supported the father, he shared his decision: The grandparents can either abide by his rules, or he will go no-contact. “Once we're back home, I'm going to call my parents and explain to them one last time why what they did is unacceptable, I will not be allowing them to be alone with my daughter ever again, and unless I can see for sure that they've learned and changed, they will not be seeing her again at all. I'll keep them muted and contact them only if something urgent happens in the family,” the father wrote. A woman looks at her laptop. via Canva/PhotosThe commenters overwhelmingly agreed with the father, but what do therapists say? Parenting expert Amy McCready says that when we disagree with the older generations' “old-school” approach to parenting, it’s important to try to explain to them why you choose to do things differently. "They may not recognize that your goal is to raise kids that are independently motivated by their own choices–and that you disagree that resorting to power struggles or relying on traditional forms of punishment, like spanking, will encourage better behavior," McCready wrote. She says that parents should also tell the older generation that parenting isn't one-size-fits-all and that the world looks different from how it did when they were raising kids. "So, while grandparents may feel the need to double down on the tactics they grew up with, it’s helpful to point out that many of those approaches are now null and void."It's also important to have some heart and listen to your parents, but in the end, your choices should be independent of theirs. "In reality, your parenting has nothing to do with your parents. This isn’t out of disrespect; the point of parenting isn’t to embrace or reject the way your parents raised you. It’s just figuring out the best way to raise your child,” McCready continued.Ultimately, the father can explain his side to his parents, but if they refuse to listen and he feels that his boundaries aren’t respected and his child isn’t safe, it’s probably best to keep his parents at a distance. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your kids is to break cycles and prevent the next generation from being hurt.
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