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Chicago Mayor vows to fight Trump if he tries to take away the right of his people to rape and murder each other
CHICAGO — In a fiery press conference, Mayor Brandon Johnson declared he is ready to “go to war” with former President Donald Trump should the latter attempt to interfere with Chicagoans’ inalienable right to shoot and assault each other at will. The bold stance comes amid speculation that Trump, if re-elected, might push for federal intervention to curb the city’s spiraling violent crime rates, which Johnson insists is a cherished local tradition.
“Look, Chicago has a culture, okay?” Johnson said, adjusting his tie with the gravitas of a man defending a sacred principle. “If Trump thinks he can waltz in here and stop our residents from expressing themselves through gunfire and other… creative outlets, he’s got another thing coming. This is our city, and we’ll fight to keep it exactly as dysfunctional as it is.”
The mayor’s remarks were prompted by unverified rumors that Trump, during a recent campaign stop, suggested deploying federal forces to “clean up” Chicago’s streets. Johnson, visibly affronted, called the idea “an attack on our sovereignty” and promised a robust defense of what he described as “the people’s right to self-regulate their chaos.”
Local residents had mixed reactions. “I mean, I got shot at last week, but it’s just Chicago, you know?” said Englewood resident Darnell Williams, 34, while ducking behind a parked car for unrelated reasons. “If the mayor wants to fight for my right to dodge bullets, I guess that’s cool.”
Crime statistics paint a grim picture: Chicago has seen over 2,000 shootings and 400 homicides this year alone, with sexual assault cases also climbing. Johnson, however, framed these numbers as evidence of a “vibrant, dynamic community” that doesn’t need “outsiders like Trump meddling in our affairs.” He proposed redirecting federal funds, should they materialize, toward “cultural sensitivity training for bullet trajectories” and “community-based knife-sharpening workshops.”
Political analysts were quick to weigh in. “This is a bold strategy,” said Dr. Evelyn Carter, a political scientist at the University of Illinois. “By framing violent crime as a form of self-expression, Mayor Johnson is betting he can rally Chicagoans around their shared identity as… well, survivors, I suppose. It’s a risky move, but it’s certainly on brand.”
The Trump campaign did not respond to requests for comment, though sources close to the former president suggested he was “too busy winning swing states to care about Chicago’s mayor throwing a tantrum.” Meanwhile, Johnson doubled down, announcing plans for a citywide “Freedom to Feud” festival, complete with a ceremonial tire fire and a keynote address on “Why Stop Now?”
As the press conference wrapped, Johnson struck a defiant pose. “Chicago will not be tamed,” he declared, sidestepping a reporter’s question about the city’s underfunded police department. “If Trump wants a fight, he’ll get one. We’ve got plenty of ammo—literally and figuratively.”
The post Chicago Mayor vows to fight Trump if he tries to take away the right of his people to rape and murder each other appeared first on Genesius Times.
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