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If you struggle with small talk, a simple acronym can make it a lot less painful
Some people enjoy small talk and are naturally good at it. For others, it feels like mental and emotional torture. There are many reasons why people are nervous about entering social situations where they have to make small talk, such as a work event, a party where they don’t know many people, or at school. Some people don’t enjoy small talk because they get frustrated talking about seemingly unimportant topics. At the same time, others are shy and afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or run out of topics of conversation. Psychologists suggest those who are uncomfortable knowing what to say should use the FORD method of conversation starters. It’s an acronym that’s an easy way to remember four different topics of conversation that work with just about anyone.
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According to Nicole Arzt, M.S., L.M.F.T at Social Self, the FORD acronym stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams. Here are some examples of questions that fall under each category.FamilyJust about everyone has a family, so it’s a great way to ask someone to share some information about their personal lives without being too forward. Arzt suggests the following questions when making small talk:
You can ask people about their parents, kids, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, or just family in general.Photo credit: CanvaDo you have any siblings?How did you two meet? (if you are meeting a couple for the first time)How old is your child?How is your____ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) doing since ____ (event that happened?)OccupationJust like a family, almost everyone has a job. Or, if they do not, that can be an interesting topic as well. Here are some starter questions you can ask someone about their job.
You can take questions about someone's occupation beyond simply, "What do you do?"Photo credit: CanvaWhat do you do for a living?How do you like working at _____?What’s your favorite part of your job?What made you interested in becoming a _____?RecreationYou can learn a lot about a person after knowing how they spend their free time. It’s also an excellent way to determine if someone is like-minded and shares the same interests. Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:
People often love talking about what they do for enjoyment outside of work. Photo credit: CanvaWhat do you like to do for fun?Have you watched (or read) ______(popular show/book)?What are you up to this weekend?DreamsLearning someone’s hope for the future can tell you much about who they are on a deeper level. They may have just told you about their current job or how they spend their time. But, ultimately, what do they wish to do with their lives? Here’s how to ask someone about their dreams.
Asking people about their hopes and dreams can be a great way to make more meaningful small talk.Photo credit: CanvaWhere do you hope to be working in the next few years?Where would you like to travel?What’s something you’d like to try in the future?Would you ever consider trying _____ (particular hobby or activity)?Arzt also notes that you shouldn’t just be an interviewer. You have to talk about yourself, too. In other words, you need a mutual take-and-give. “Pay attention to someone else's answers and think about how you can draw from your own experience to connect," she wrote. When you're feeling socially anxious, it can be hard to listen to the other person while also thinking about your own responses, so thinking of the FORD acronym for yourself and having something to share in each category ahead of time can be a way to avoid the dreaded awkward silence that sometimes happens during small talk.
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It can also be tricky to know how much you should be talking vs. how much you should be listening. If you're not sure how much to say during a conversation, follow the 43:57 rule. A numbers guy at Gong.io analyzed over 25,000 sales calls with AI and found the perfect speaking-to-listening ratio. Sales soared when the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened for 57%.Even though this insight is from business calls, it applies to everyday social interactions. It's really about listening and making the other person feel special. After all, who doesn't love feeling heard and appreciated?
Small talk doesn't have to be torturous, even if it's something you don't look forward to. With a little preparation and some genuine curiosity, it might even become enjoyable as you make new connections with people. This article originally appeared last year.
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