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As a Single Man, I Felt Little Pressure to Get Married. I Wish I Had.
I lived a satisfying life in my 20s as a single guy. I earned two college degrees, did internships in Hollywood and in the U.K., traveled abroad, settled into my first job, published my first book, helped plant a church, and developed deep spiritual friendships with a solid group. I’m grateful for all of it.
But my life became so much richer when I became a husband. And it was further enriched when I became a father.
I got engaged at 29, and I popped the question only after a trusted mentor gave me a needed nudge (“You’re ready. Get married.”). In retrospect, I wish more people had nudged me along the way.
In my twentysomething single years, singleness was talked about a lot in church and (rightly) dignified as a worthy biblical calling. But marriage talk was awkwardly avoided when singles were around. It wasn’t really promoted as a good thing for us to pursue.
Yet my marriage and family have blessed me and shaped me significantly. They’ve grown me spiritually and enhanced my missional fruitfulness. I can’t think of anything substantive I “lost” or that became worse for me when I became a husband and then a father. But a lot got better.
For that reason, and fully recognizing this advice may not apply in every context, I want to gently encourage pastors, church leaders, mentors, and parents: Don’t be afraid to champion marriage for the singles in your life—particularly single men—and nudge those who should pursue it.
When ‘No Pressure’ Does More Harm than Good
Hear this at the outset: Singleness and marriage can both be good when they’re done for God’s glory and take a cruciform shape. And when chosen for selfish reasons or lived out in unhealthy ways, both singleness and marriage can also be bad.
I’m not making an argument for one being universally better than the other. I’m simply observing that in our cultural moment, and perhaps in certain cultural contexts (like mine in Southern California), arguments for the good of marriage need to be sounded more urgently.
Young adults are increasingly delaying marriage and having fewer children, yielding a litany of negative short-term effects and foreshadowing ominous long-term societal consequences.
Young adults are increasingly delaying marriage and having fewer children, yielding a litany of negative short-term effects and foreshadowing ominous long-term societal consequences.
The explanatory reasons for declining marriage and fertility rates are manifold. For young men in particular (who are now single at higher rates than young women), certain effects of the digital age—the unhelpful dominance of dating apps, deficient relational skills, and the ubiquity of porn—are contributing to decreased interest in dating and marriage. It doesn’t help that popular right-wing voices like Andrew Tate and Hannah Pearl Davis claim “There is zero advantage to marriage in the Western world for a man” and “Modern marriage is a death sentence to men.” Even if the data indicates the opposite is true, these messages are being absorbed and assumed by scores of young men.
Another factor in marriage’s decline is a fall in cultural pressure. As marrying young becomes less common and never-married, childless adulthood becomes more normal, fewer singles feel the urgency to seek a spouse and “settle down.”
One recent study showed that, among single and never-married American adults, only 29 percent report they feel pressure from society to get married, with even fewer (19 percent) saying they’ve felt pressure from their family to get married. A Pew study highlighted one of the reasons family pressure is declining: Parents of adult children don’t rank marriage and family high on the list of their hopes for their adult children. They want their kids to be financially independent and stable in a good career far more than they want their kids to get married and have kids.
But research shows that getting married, far from a hindrance to financial stability, is one of the best things you can do to gain long-term financial health. Further, as Brad Wilcox helpfully summarizes in Get Married, marriage is positively correlated with happiness, better mental and physical health, and various other measures of flourishing. And so as Keith Simon argued for The Gospel Coalition last year, “If parents wish for their adult children to be happy, the data suggests they should encourage them to prioritize marriage and children over financial independence and career advancement, when given the choice.”
I get why parents, pastors, and church communities are reluctant to say anything about marriage to singles that feels like “pressure.” It’s a touchy subject, and the pain of wanting to be married but not being married is real. I’ve been there. Plenty of singles don’t need more encouragement to pursue marriage. They desire it deeply and are taking steps to find a mate; it just hasn’t happened yet, often in frustrating and heartbreaking ways.
But there are plenty of other singles—particularly young men—who might have a desire to marry but are too fearful or passive in pursuing it, or too comfortable in the freedom of singleness. What if a “no pressure” environment on marriage is actually harming these singles, who’d be better off not delaying marriage? And by “better off,” I don’t only mean by metrics of happiness; I’m also talking about spiritual maturity and mission efficacy.
Getting Married Can Grow Us Spiritually and Spread the Gospel
For many single men, getting married provides a sanctifying spiritual growth spurt. It’s beautiful to watch how God can use the institution of marriage (which he designed!) to mature them as disciples of Jesus, soften sharp edges, make blind spots visible, and refine character in godly ways. In marriage, God provides a life partner who speaks the truth in love to us in ways few others can or will.
Singleness has its own sanctifying potential, and God can use it to grow us profoundly. It allows for a particular type of dying to self—and serving others—that shapes us and points to Jesus. But marriage and parenting allow us to grow in cruciform love in different but no less valuable ways.
I like how much Tim and Kathy Keller emphasize in The Meaning of Marriage that marriage “is designed to make us holy” and that a central part of what keeps a marriage healthy is “your commitment to your spouse’s holiness.” Marriage’s sanctifying power enhances its missional power. The Kellers underscore this point as well:
Through Christian marriages, the story of the gospel—of sin, grace, and restoration—can be seen and heard both inside the church and out in the world. Christian marriages proclaim the gospel. That is how important they are. The Christian community has a deep interest in the development of strong, great marriages and therefore a vested interest in the community’s singles marrying well.
Marriage can enhance mission in other practical ways. The division of household tasks between two partners can take burdens off your plate (making meals, grocery shopping, laundry, budget, home maintenance, and so on) and free up space for you to focus and thrive in Christian mission. My wife and I both play this role at different times for each other, as we both have full-time jobs working for Christian nonprofits. We serve each other by removing unnecessary stressors in moments when one of us needs to be especially focused, creative, and inspired in our work.
Marriage’s sanctifying power enhances its missional power.
A spouse can also be an incredible source of wisdom and vital feedback in ways that directly enrich your missional work. My wife, for example, is often the first person to read an article I write (even this one) or a chapter of a new book. Her feedback is invaluable. I make similar contributions when she needs help in some aspect of her work, whether giving feedback on a presentation or verbally processing a complex problem.
I also see the missional benefit of marriage all the time in local church ministry. When we host small groups in our home, lead ministry trips abroad, provide counseling to dating couples, or simply pray together for a hurting brother or sister in Christ, I recognize we’re more effective together than we’d be alone. Marriage has decidedly enhanced our mission—both in the Genesis 1:28 sense and the Matthew 28:19–20 sense.
Central Question for Single Christians
It’s not always the case that being married is better for missional effectiveness than being single. For some single Christians in certain ministry callings or with certain ministry gifts, singleness allows them to be fruitful and focused in ways marriage might hinder. Paul makes this clear in 1 Corinthians 7, for example, when he offers several arguments for why single believers should consider remaining unmarried (alongside arguments for why singles should consider marriage, in v. 9). This is the same Paul who famously celebrates marriage—in grandiose terms—in other letters (e.g., Eph. 5:22–23). Is he contradicting himself? Not at all.
For a Christ follower, the option to either marry or stay single is a choice between two good things. As each individual believer considers what’s right for him or her, one central question must be honestly answered: What will help you glorify God more and be more effective in pursuing the Great Commission? I like how Benjamin Danson puts it:
Paul gives us good reasons to see remaining single as the better choice, but there are also good reasons for us to choose to marry. What really matters for us no matter the choice we make is that we are seeking to bring glory to God in all we do. If you choose to remain single, do it in order to be undivided in your devotion to God, if you choose to marry, do it seeking to bring glory to God.
It’s unhelpful to pit singleness and marriage against each other as if celebrating one means devaluing the other. Both can be good in different seasons, for different people, insofar as they enhance our devoted worship of God and ability to advance his mission.
As I argue we might need to nudge more singles toward marriage (again, particularly single men), I in no way want to diminish the good option of singleness. So why focus this article on the marriage side? Why not just say both are good options and be done with it? Because from my vantage point in a highly secular region (coastal California), as well as from what I see in the broader trends in contemporary Western culture, singleness doesn’t need more defenders. Marriage does.
Be Aware of Your Context
Certainly in some parts of the world—even some parts of the U.S.—cultural pressure to get married is the stronger pressure. In those contexts, church leaders may need to cast a more robust vision for singleness as a worthy calling.
But in other contexts, the freedom of singleness is a higher cultural value than the commitments of marriage and parenthood. Here, church leaders likely need to intentionally demystify fears about marriage, celebrate the choice to pursue it, and perhaps even facilitate nonawkward forums and casual social settings where healthy matches can develop in organic ways. In these contexts, church leaders should actively seek to understand the cultural climate and contemporary challenges facing single young adults and help them navigate the dating-and-marriage journey with wisdom and integrity.
It’s unhelpful to pit singleness and marriage against each other as if celebrating one means devaluing the other.
Young single men need older male mentors who can help them navigate this topic in the context of life-on-life discipleship, where each person’s situation, temptations, and desires can be known and addressed in ways specific to him. The “nudge” toward marriage can happen in general ways from the pulpit, but it’s likely more effective in the trusted space of one-on-one or small-group discipleship.
But what does this look like? Perhaps you can take a single man in your church out for coffee and ask him about his five-year goals. If he doesn’t mention marriage, ask him about that. If he does, ask him how you can pray for him or whether there are aspects of dating where he could use godly counsel. When a single person asks you about your life, speak well of your spouse and marriage, describing specific ways you’ve seen God use your marriage to shape you and bless others.
In all this, marriage should never be wielded as a magical cure-all for problems that should be addressed through intentional discipleship. Marriage isn’t a “fix,” and church leaders don’t serve singles if they pitch it as such or ill-advisedly endorse a premature move toward marriage. Still, the sanctifying potential and gospel-shaped beauty of marriage are real and should be celebrated without shame.
Provisional Gift
Marriage—like all God’s good gifts—should never be so prized that we elevate it above the Giver himself. Marriage will pass away like all other good but provisional things in this present order. God and our worship of him will continue.
Still, marriage is a temporary gift designed to amplify eternal things—love and worship of God. It’s a good gift with a great purpose. In a culture increasingly ambivalent about it, let’s do more in our churches to celebrate marriage and encourage singles to marry well, for God’s glory and the good of the world.
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