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Ball State Cancels Entire Health Department After Director’s Failed Results
MUNCIE, IN — In a move that has left academics and alumni scratching their heads, Ball State University has abruptly shuttered its entire Health Department curriculum, citing the questionable judgment of its director, Suzanne Swierc. The decision, announced Wednesday, follows a firestorm sparked by Swierc’s inflammatory social media posts celebrating the hypothetical murder of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk.
“It’s a bold new direction for Ball State,” declared President Obie Sitty in a press conference held in the campus cafeteria, where he was flanked by a half-eaten tray of tater tots. “Based on Ms. Swierc’s… let’s call them ‘results,’ we’ve decided health education might not be our thing anymore.”
Swierc, who served as the director of Ball State’s Health Promotion and Advocacy program, found herself in hot water when her posts went viral, prompting a collective eyebrow raise from the university community. “It’s kinda ironic, isn’t it?” Sitty mused, adjusting his tie. “You’d think the head of Health Promotion would promote, you know, healthier discourse.”
Alumni and donors, still reeling from the news, have questioned how Swierc landed the role in the first place. “Of all the candidates, she was the best?” tweeted one disgruntled alum, echoing a sentiment shared across X. Sitty, however, doubled down, insisting Swierc was “the fittest of the bunch.” In a baffling aside, he added, “She was a DEI hire, you see. Pushed on us by the ‘Fatties Have Rights Too’ movement. We had no choice.”
In a twist that could only happen in the fever dream of higher education, Swierc’s legal team negotiated a peculiar compromise. Starting this weekend, the embattled director will pivot from health advocacy to gridiron glory, joining the Ball State Cardinals football team as a defensive noseguard. “Strictly for goal-line situations,” clarified Head Coach Mike “Moose” Mulligan, who seemed less than thrilled about the arrangement. “The real challenge? Making sure there’s enough chicken wings at the pre-game buffet.”
Swierc, for her part, has remained silent, though sources close to the situation report she’s been spotted practicing her stance in the university parking lot, muttering something about “tackling misinformation.”
“This is a win-win-win,” Sitty proclaimed, gesturing wildly to a whiteboard with the words “STRATEGIC REBRANDING” scrawled in red marker. “We’re streamlining operations, boosting team spirit, and giving Ms. Swierc a chance to shine—literally, because those shoulder pads are massive.”
As Ball State pivots to an undefined “new direction,” the campus community braces for what’s next. Rumor has it the university is considering replacing the Health Department with a Center for Competitive Eating Studies. When asked for comment, Sitty only winked and said, “Stay tuned.”
The post Ball State Cancels Entire Health Department After Director’s Failed Results appeared first on Genesius Times.
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