In a tense confrontation reminiscent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, except without Cuba or the missiles or, really, the crisis, the United States has narrowly avoided a harrowing war with Denmark. The crisis or whatever began when Donald Trump demanded Denmark hand Greenland over to the United States and issued a saber-rattling threat in which the sabers were made entirely of Legos just to add insult to injury. Trump said: “Since you lousy Danes have repeatedly refused to give me the Nobel Peace Prize, I see no reason why I should continue to be peaceful if I don’t get a prize for it. And the Nobel Prize I received from that kooky Venezuelan dame with a name like a Spanish dance number doesn’t count, because people just laugh when they see it, so I’m sending it back and taking Greenland instead.” When Secretary of State Marco Rubio explained that the Nobel Peace Prize is given in Norway not Denmark, Trump became so enraged he appointed Rubio the King of France so he’d have his head cut off. When he found out the French no longer cut people’s heads off, he appointed Rubio the first lady of France and leaked the news to Candace Owens. Panicked by the threat of invasion, the Danish Prime Minister whose name no one can pronounce and who might even be a chick for all I know, ordered four brigades of the 101st Hans Christian Andersen Division to sail to Greenland on one of those cute little sailboats like the one in “The Little Mermaid.” This increased the tension because, despite its small size, the Danish military is renowned for its tough training, though it’s mostly in folk dancing. Meanwhile, the administration got to work preparing for war by testing out various battle cries like, “Damn you Danes, no one can even understand what you’re saying!” and “Give us Greenland, Denmark, and none of your stinking Danish tricks!” and “In America, we eat Danish for breakfast, so ha ha ha!” The administration even prepared a new aggressive Greenland national anthem more suitable for an American colony, with rousing lyrics like, “Oh Greenland, it’s the nicest place you’ve ever seen-land, Where no one’s a wimp, and we’re proud of our shrimp. Oh, Greenland, our home sweet home.” The news of the impending American attack so upset global elites at their annual gathering in Davos, Switzerland, that they were forced to suspend their usual business of trying to impose obnoxious, useless, and oppressive ideas on people who’d rather pinch their elite noses and twist them like Moe used to do to the other two Stooges than listen to a word these privileged melon-heads have to say. Instead, European leaders and other obscure non-entities took to the stage to make angry speeches as a way of passing their last remaining moments in power before they’re tossed onto the dustbin of history. The prime minister of Canada, for instance — and I can’t bother to find out his name so just make one up yourself — told the gathering, “There has been such a rupture in the world order that we’re barely able to debank the working class citizens who protest our policies, or arrest anyone who uses Grok to make hilarious pictures of us naked or persecute the saints who pray silently near abortion clinics. If Donald Trump does not restore this world order immediately, Europe will be forced to ally itself with China. After all, China’s a one-party nation with no free speech and a small minority of white people, so it’s basically a European nation already.” Donald Trump conceded the Canadian’s point and issued a new statement saying, “I war on Denmark declare,” but then found out it was the WORLD order the Canadian premier was complaining about not the WORD ORDER, and Trump issued another declaration, saying, “Oh, it screw.” As the hour of decision drew ever closer, audiences around the world sat tensely before their televisions, mostly watching “What’s in the Box?” Fortunately, at the last minute, Trump decided to make a deal when he realized a war with Denmark might last longer than he thought and interrupt a full half of the AFC Championship game, instead of just the first ten minutes. * * * This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.” Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, After That, The Dark, is NOW AVAILABLE. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan. The views expressed in this satirical piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

A New York Supreme Court justice ruled earlier this week that the state’s 11th Congressional District needs to be redrawn, likely jeopardizing another Republican seat as the nationwide redistricting battle rages on. Acting Supreme Court Justice Jeffrey Pearlman ruled that the map is unconstitutional on the grounds of it being racially discriminatory, and ordered that the state’s Independent Redistricting Committee should have a new map compliant with the ruling by February 6. “Petitioners have shown strong evidence of racially polarized voting bloc […] they have demonstrated a history of discrimination that impacts current day political participation and representation, and they have shown that racial appeals are still made in political campaigns today,” the ruling stated. Republican Congresswoman Nicole Malliotakis represents the district, which covers Staten Island and parts of Brooklyn. “We are reviewing the judge’s decision and our options to protect the voices of the people of Staten Island and Brooklyn,” Malliotakis said on X. “Nothing changes the fact that this is a frivolous attempt by Washington Democrats to steal this congressional seat from the people and we are very confident that we will prevail at the end of the day.” The New York Daily News editorial board also railed against the ruling, asking if “some higher court, either the Manhattan Appellate Division or the state Court of Appeals, New York’s highest bench, please stop this nonsense? Otherwise, the U.S. Supreme Court will have to get involved.” However, some Democrats rejoiced at the news, including House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, who also represents parts of New York City. “This ruling is the first step toward ensuring communities of interest remain intact from Staten Island to Lower Manhattan,” Jeffries said in a statement. “New Yorkers deserve the fairest congressional map possible.” Mid-decade redistricting has faced a complicated mix of successes in battles throughout the country, including in Texas and California. The United States Supreme Court already ruled that Texas’ five additional GOP-favored seats can hold, as California Republicans are hoping to take their fight against five Democrat-favored seats to the court as well.

Embarking on a weight loss journey can be extremely challenging. It often involves changing many aspects of a person’s life at once. Sticking to an exercise regimen, diet, and self-care takes commitment and hard work. In late 2022, Jelly Roll began a weight loss and fitness journey. He tipped the scale at around 500 pounds and knew that if he didn’t make a change, his life could end at any second. With the support of his fans, children, and wife Bunnie Xo, Jelly Roll’s down 300 pounds. That kind of weight loss is not only remarkable but also admirable. Along the way, he’s celebrated milestones and non-scale victories, and his most recent brought a huge smile to his face. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Bunnie Xo. (@xomgitsbunnie) Jelly Roll Just Had a Big Non-Scale Victory During His Weight Loss Journey According to People, Jelly Roll told Extra that his weight loss journey led to a pretty amazing moment with his wife. “My wife put me on her Instagram allegedly as her hall pass. Said, ‘Hey, alright.’ The new hall pass, dude. This is big,” Jelly Roll joked. Bunnie Xo posted a video on Instagram watching Jelly Roll on him on Netflix’s Star Search revival. “Ummmm I just saw my new hall pass on TV,” Bunnie said in the video. She wrote in the caption, “Don’t tell my husband.” Of course, that was just a funny joke, but what Jelly Roll has accomplished on his weight loss journey is nothing to laugh at. He told Extra that in addition to improving his physical life, he’s also had a spiritual awakening. “Spiritually, I’ve gotten closer to God. I’ve gotten closer to myself. I’m a better father. I’m more present with my children. You should see it, dude,” Jelly Roll said. His weight loss changed every part of his life, and now he’s a happy and active parent. We’re so happy for Jelly Roll and his accomplishments during his weight loss journey. He’s a true example to others that you can do anything with hard work and a positive attitude. This story’s featured image is by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Netflix

'The second highest disapproval rate'

'I hear you'

'I've got to go out of business'

'America first is a different model'

'They're purposely denying claims'

'Okay and recovering'

War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength