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The Parenting Secret That Might Surprise ‘Gentle Parents’
This article is part of Upstream, The Daily Wire’s new home for culture and lifestyle. Real human insight and human stories — from our featured writers to you.
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I have an MBA from the University of Florida but struggle with basic algebra. I have traveled to 36 states but can only confidently name the capitals of 12. I can name all nine Supreme Court justices but don’t know how desert plants adapted to conserve water. Apparently, it’s not because they “try really hard.” Fifth-grade homework sucks.
But here I am on most nights slapping down the assignment in front of one of my kids, puffing my chest out and saying, “Let’s knock this out!” Three minutes later, I’m googling the capital of Wyoming and reevaluating my life.
Homework creates as much frustration for my children as it does for me. We share equally in the struggle to get through it. It’s certainly not where I’d think we were forging our bond. It’s natural to think rules create resentment, but it turns out that homework may be building our relationship, not harming it. Hard parenting has positive consequences.
Research from the Institute of Family Studies discovered that “parental-enforced rules are mostly associated with better relationships with kids, both in the parent’s own assessment of their relationship, and the assessments of the subsample of teenage children surveyed.”
The study looked at factors such as strict curfew, strict bedtime, screen time limits, dedicated homework time, and others. It found that “virtually every parental-enforced rule … is linked to better parent-child relationships.”
As a dad who struggles with the “friend-parenting” model, this research is so revealing. All we want is for our kids to love us, and I do seriously consider my kids to be my friends. But it is my responsibility to forge that friendship in an appropriate way that breeds a healthy, long-term relationship.
I’ll admit that this research seemed counterintuitive to me. While I am hard on my kids, there is still an instinct to go “gentle” on so many things and avoid conflict. That’s usually the path of least resistance. I also sometimes fear that discipline will create emotional distance. But ultimately, the key to any healthy relationship is communication. And rules require interaction, which is the foundation of communication.
Once I stepped back, it became obvious to me. Rules create necessary dialogue. When my daughter and I sit down to do homework, it is natural to discuss her day at school. When my wife and I tell the boys they’ve watched enough Dude Perfect for one day, it leads to conversations about content. Taking out the trash leads to conversations about teamwork and contribution. Bedtime leads to conversations about making healthy choices.
Permissiveness allows distance, but a parent who enforces rules must constantly be checking in, following up, correcting, and explaining. Trust is forged in that communication, and trust leads to healthy relationships.
Since we’re a Florida family of six, a boating analogy is natural. Parenting is a lot like steering a boat. The longer the trip, the more important small corrections turn out to be and the more consequential even the tiniest veering off course becomes. Small adjustments early prevent huge corrections later. Unfortunately, parenting doesn’t come with an autopilot option, and disciplinary nudges are required to maintain the route to arrive at the desired destination.
A boater’s worst nightmare is a storm, and chaos is the storm inside our homes. If you think “enforcement” is hard, try chaos. Building relationships requires order. Rules repeated daily become habits, and habits bring order in the house. Order is the solution to chaos.
With four kids of my own, I can compare the amount of friction in each of our relationships. Over time, rules become habits and habits reduce the friction of rule-enforcement. As my kids age, we have fewer arguments and less friction around the rules. While chaos exhausts our relationship, order protects it.
Finally, trust and freedom play important roles in this equation. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Through years of rule enforcement, I am training our kids to be reliable. Reliability builds trust, and trust earns freedom. Eventually, our kids are freed from us, and if we have built enough equity in the relationship, they will use that freedom to invest that equity back into our relationship.
Ultimately, the homework will only get harder — for me. The algorithms will get more competitive. And the trash will always come on Tuesday and Friday. But maybe these are all blessings. In them, this dad holds the secret.
I’ll close with one admission. There is one thing we don’t limit in our house: country music. It is our love language. While I was driving home from the office recently, George Strait’s hit “Love Without End, Amen” came on. As King George belted out, “Let me tell you a secret about a father’s love,” I knew I had it.
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Gates Garcia is the host of the YouTube show and podcast “We The People.” Follow him on Instagram and X @GatesGarciaFL.
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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