genesiustimes.com
Congress To Fix Nation By Working Almost 100 Days Next Year
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold display of legislative masochism, House Minority Leader Steve Scalise proudly unveiled the 2026 Congressional calendar this week, revealing that America’s hardworking lawmakers will grace the Capitol with their presence for a grueling 95 days next year — barely more than a quarter of the calendar, and just enough time to pass a few naming resolutions for post offices before adjourning to the all-important business of fundraising.
“Yes, this schedule all but guarantees a complete Democratic mid-term sweep,” Scalise beamed during a press conference held conveniently from the comfort of a Fox News studio, far from the oppressive fluorescent lights of actual committee rooms. “We hate being in the majority because that forces you to do things. Get results. Govern. It’s exhausting and frankly un-American.”
The Louisiana Republican, visibly relieved at the prospect of returning to the sweet, sweet minority, elaborated: “Being in the minority is paradise. You vote no on everything, pocket the donor checks, then fly home and tell the voters, ‘If only we had the gavel, we’d fix everything!’ No one ever follows up to see if that’s true. It’s the perfect scam — I mean, system.”
Fox News host Sean Hannity, interviewing Scalise from what appeared to be the inside of a bald eagle’s mouth, nodded with the enthusiastic vertical motion of a dashboard bobblehead. “Steve is just being honest, folks,” Hannity declared, eyes glistening with patriotic tears. “When Republicans get absolutely crushed in 2026 — and trust me, with this schedule they will — I will be the very first person to defend them. Night after night. For years. We’ll call it ‘The Great Theft of 2026.’ Ratings will be through the roof!”
Sources close to leadership confirm the 95-day schedule was carefully crafted to maximize “constituent outreach opportunities” (i.e., golf in Florida), “bipartisan fact-finding missions” (i.e., steak dinners in Iowa), and “critical oversight hearings” (i.e., yelling at each other on cable news from separate cities).
“Look, the American people sent us here to not work,” explained one anonymous senior GOP aide, pausing only to check the lobbyist-funded Apple Watch that tracks his tee times. “If we actually showed up and passed laws, voters might expect us to do it again. This way, we keep the cycle going forever. It’s genius.”
Democrats, reportedly stunned by the Republicans’ selfless commitment to electoral suicide, issued a restrained statement thanking their colleagues “for making our job so much easier.”
As of press time, Scalise was already practicing his 2027 minority whip soundbites in the mirror: “If only we had the majority…”
The post Congress To Fix Nation By Working Almost 100 Days Next Year appeared first on Genesius Times.
New Posts (Home)
ChatBox
Popular Posts 
Game Zone
Top PodCasts
