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5 Ways to Care for Divorced People in Your Church
I used to love July and August because it meant a break from school for my daughters, more family time, and a slower routine. But 20 years ago, my husband left at the beginning of the summer. That summer meant moving, house hunting, job searching, and learning the role of a single mom. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago, although certain moments are etched on my heart forever.
Loss of any kind can be lonely and isolating, but divorce is particularly complex and messy. It’s a death with no closure. There are no meal trains, flowers, or encouraging cards. Instead, my grief kept company with anger, stress, and shame.
Research shows that almost half of church attendees who get divorced leave their current church, and for those who remain, their relationships and service within the church dramatically decline. So how can the body of Christ better support people experiencing the pain of divorce?
1. Use words wisely.
Divorce left me feeling vulnerable and exposed. I’m sure I wasn’t always fun to be around. One day I was ranting. The next day I was in tears. A marital breakdown is much like a roller-coaster ride with constant emotional ups and downs. Because the situation is uncomfortable, fellow church members can be tempted to look the other way. Often, they don’t know what to say, or they’re afraid they’ll say the wrong thing.
Don’t avoid talking to a brother or sister navigating divorce. Use words that acknowledge the pain, but don’t try to solve the problem. Comments like “It’s OK to cry” or “I’m sorry this happened to you” express sincerity. Avoid clichés or insensitive comments like “You’ll get over it” or “This is your second chance.”
If words don’t come easily, a hug, a listening ear, and a quiet prayer are other thoughtful ways to communicate care and concern.
2. Share biblical truth.
Divorce can become an identity and the lens through which divorced people view themselves. So it’s important to point a divorced person to the truth of God’s Word. But be careful to avoid sharing verses about God’s purposes and promises in a way that might seem to dismiss her grief and pain. Instead, point to Scripture that will help her focus on who God is and who we are in him.
If words don’t come easily, a hug, a listening ear, and a quiet prayer are other thoughtful ways to communicate care and concern.
During my darkest days, Romans 8 reminded me of my position in Christ. I’m not condemned because of my marital failure (v. 1). I’m a child of God and coheir with Christ (vv. 16–17). God has prepared an eternity for me (v. 17). The Spirit intercedes when I don’t know what to pray (v. 26). God can use my divorce to grow me in holiness (v. 28). God gives victory over Satan’s attempts to destroy me (v. 37). Nothing can separate me from God’s eternal love (vv. 38–39).
Our identity is defined by God, not by divorce. Divorced people need to be encouraged by this truth, again and again.
3. Extend an invitation.
When I was raising my daughters on my own, I often felt left out because I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere, even at church. Single parents need adult friendship, connection with other families, and godly role models for their children.
Consider inviting single-parent families for dinner. Include them in family outings, such as a beach day or camping weekend. Remember a divorced person during holidays if he lives alone or his children are visiting the other parent. Helping a divorced person feel connected to the body of Christ can be as simple as setting an extra plate or two at the table.
Divorced people also need opportunities to remember their value within God’s family. Being invited to serve at church, for example, was a gentle reminder to me that God still viewed me as valuable in his kingdom, while providing an opportunity to connect with other members.
4. Commit for the long haul.
A friend recently described sticking with someone through hard times as “boring.” She’s right. It requires commitment when progress is slow and patience when problems are discussed repeatedly. Although divorce dissolves a marriage, there may be ongoing legal implications, custody battles, and parental visits. Certain milestones can be difficult to experience alone, such as graduations, weddings, and the birth of grandchildren.
Being there for the long haul includes practical help, regularly staying in touch, and continuing to listen and pray.
Looking back, so much has changed since that day my husband left in 2005. But, more than 20 years later, I still have support and encouragement from some of the same people. They stuck with us through thick and thin, good days and bad days, ups and downs. They’ve offered a prayer, a word of encouragement, or a helping hand whenever needed. I’m forever grateful for the friends who committed to walking with us, no matter how bumpy the journey.
5. Be a conduit of comfort.
The apostle Paul writes, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor. 1:3–5). This verse is a glorious reminder that God has provided the body of Christ to walk alongside those who are suffering.
Helping a divorce person feel connected to the body of Christ can be as simple as setting an extra plate or two at the table.
My first Sunday at church as a single mother was the hardest of my life. I cried through the songs. I sat numbly through the sermon. I bolted out the door at the benediction. But I returned, week after week, believing that church was the best place to be. Thankfully, I was right.
Over time, our little family of three came to know the Lord’s healing power, often provided through the simple gestures of his people who weren’t afraid to love us well.
The next time someone says, “I’m getting divorced,” don’t turn away. Embrace her with the compassion of Christ and love her with a servant’s heart. It won’t always be easy. But it’s a practical way the church can truly function as the family of God.
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