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Behavior expert shares the one powerful habit that makes you more likable
There are two statements kids often make that decades of scientific research suggest are actually true: "It takes one to know one" and "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." The big takeaway is that the things you say about other people are often seen as a reflection of you, too.Dr. Shadé Zahrai—an award-winning leadership strategist, Harvard-trained coach, and member of the Forbes Coaches Council—explained the phenomenon in a viral TikTok post that focuses on how to be more likable and seen as a good person by others. Her lesson, however, is a double-edged sword.
@shadezahrai
This habit makes you more likable (and a better human). #psychology #socialpsychology #socialintelligence #conversations #emotionalintelligence #leadership
How to be more likable"Ever notice how people who speak kindly about others seem naturally likable?" Zahrai asked in the video. "There is something called the social transference phenomenon, and it is pretty fascinating. Research shows that when you describe someone's traits, people who hear unconsciously associate those same traits with you."(Note: Research dating back to 1998 refers to this phenomenon as Spontaneous Trait Transference, or STT.)"So when you highlight someone's optimism or compliment their trustworthiness, you're not just uplifting them, you're building your own reputation as optimistic and trustworthy," she continued. "And if you gossip or speak badly about others, those listening can't help but link those same traits back to you. Your words shape how other people see you." A woman sharing her ideas with friends.via Canva/PhotosIf you're hearing about STT for the first time, you might cringe when thinking about past gossip sessions at work or over drinks with friends. But it's also an invitation to be more mindful of how you talk about others. When you voice negative opinions out loud, they can reflect back on you. Conversely, it's the perfect excuse to start looking for the good in others and bringing it up as much as possible.What is Spontaneous Trait Transference?Research suggests that the human brain associates a communicator with the traits they assign to others, whether those traits are positive or negative, such as brilliant, rude, selfish, thoughtful, or trustworthy. For example, if you tell a story about your friend Stacey being disrespectful to a waiter, listeners are likely to view Stacey as rude and also associate that same trait with you, even if they know you are not typically that kind of person.In this way, the brain can be somewhat sloppy when assigning traits. As the listener processes the story, the idea of "rude" becomes top of mind and is quickly attached not only to Stacey, but also to you, simply because of your proximity. A man and woman enjoying a pitcher of beer.via Canva/Photos"The takeaway? Authentic compliments allow you to express admiration for others, with the positive traits you cite also being attributed to you," writes Wendy L. Patrick in Psychology Today. "The opposite, of course, is true as well."The big lessonsTalking positively about people makes you seem positive. Talking negatively about people makes you seem negative.Spontaneous Trait Transference is a reminder that the brain often makes hasty associations that are not always rooted in reason. The good news is that, when used to your advantage, it can be a win-win. You can focus on uplifting others rather than bringing them down, which will make you more likable, too.
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