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Bondi Vows to ‘Fully Honor’ Epstein File Transparency by Ensuring Zero Arrests from Released Documents
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move hailed by legal scholars as “the most transparent non-prosecution in American history,” Attorney General Pam Bondi announced today that the Department of Justice will commemorate the long-awaited public release of the Jeffrey Epstein files by declining to arrest a single person mentioned in them.
“Many Americans were understandably frustrated that these files sat on my desk for months,” Bondi told reporters outside the Justice Department, flanked by a ceremonial shredder labeled “Accountability (Decorative Only).” “But today I can promise the public complete closure: no one—no matter how prominently their name appears, how many flights they logged, or how many times they claimed they ‘don’t recall’ under oath—will face even the mild inconvenience of a federal indictment.”
Bondi described the hands-off approach as “the ultimate form of restorative justice,” explaining that arresting powerful individuals would only “re-traumatize the victims by forcing them to endure lengthy, public trials with unpredictable outcomes.” She added that perp walks are “so 2008” and that today’s elite prefer to process their remorse privately, ideally on yachts registered in the Caymans.
When pressed on whether the decision might appear suspiciously convenient for certain politically connected figures, Bondi reassured the press that the DOJ had conducted an exhaustive review. “After careful consideration—approximately eleven minutes—we determined that every allegation in the files falls into one of three categories: already litigated, statute of limitations expired, or ‘lol no.’”
Sources close to the Attorney General report she is exploring additional symbolic gestures, including a planned “National Day of Not Prosecuting Billionaires” and a commemorative NFT collection titled “Epstein Client List (Redacted Edition).”
Congressional Democrats expressed cautious optimism, with one senior aide anonymously texting, “At least this time they released the PDF before refusing to do anything about it. Progress!”
Republicans, meanwhile, praised Bondi’s restraint as “a return to civility,” noting that indicting prominent donors from both parties would only “distract from the real issues, like Hunter Biden’s laptop, which definitely still matters in 2025.”
As of press time, the DOJ has quietly updated its website with a new dropdown menu for reporting elite sex-trafficking rings. The options are “Thoughts and Prayers,” “Refer to Local Authorities,” and “Have You Considered Therapy?”
The post Bondi Vows to ‘Fully Honor’ Epstein File Transparency by Ensuring Zero Arrests from Released Documents appeared first on Genesius Times.
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