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Woman explains the beautiful feeling of 'sonder,' or realizing random strangers have full lives
In the 1998 film The Truman Show, Jim Carrey's character gradually discovers that his entire life is a lie. The world around him is a television set, and everyone he knows—his friends, family, even his wife—are paid actors. He is the main character, and the entire universe of the show revolves around him.Though most of us have never genuinely wondered whether we're living in an elaborate production like Truman (well, some have), it can sometimes feel that way. After all, in our own minds, we are the main characters of our own lives. Everyone else becomes a supporting character. When they're "off-screen," we can't say for certain what they're doing, and we tend to think about them only in terms of how their actions might affect us.That's why the beautiful feeling known as "sonder" can be so profound. It's the strange sensation you get when staring out the window of an airplane, looking at the cars moving along the highway below, and realizing that each dot of light represents a vehicle with a human being inside it—maybe even an entire family. They're all on their way somewhere, perhaps to meet other people who are also living full, rich, complex lives you will never know about. Then, in the blink of an eye, they're gone forever, in a sense.You might feel this when walking by an apartment building and gazing at the shadows moving behind lit windows, or at an airport, where you wonder where people are going and what their stories might be. There are entire, rich, complex lives happening in those lit windows. Photo by Shalev Cohen on Unsplash Sonder, explains content creator, software engineer, and writer Felecia Freely, is the sudden "realization that each random passerby is the main character of their own story, living a life just as vivid and complex as your own, while you are just an extra in the background."Freely explains it beautifully in a now-viral Instagram reel:"Imagine how big and all-encompassing your experience of your life is. And then imagine that every single person in traffic with you also has that. So does every person in the grocery store. And every person in the world."It's a breathtaking realization. Of course, we all know this to be true in our minds, but sonder is when that understanding hits you in your body and becomes more than knowledge—it becomes a profound feeling. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Felecia For The Win (@feleciaforthewin)Freely's video has received hundreds of thousands of views. Many commenters were surprised to learn there was an actual word for this hyper-specific feeling:"OMFG THERES A WORD FOR THIS?! i've always wondered.""I get it in traffic a lot. Just like, where are they all going""I get this feeling at the airport""Sonder happens when I go for drives down lonely roads in the middle of nowhere where I've never been & see a little house w/ cars & lites on. I wonder what they're like & what's goin on in their lives"The term was coined around 2012 by writer John Koenig for his project, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.He writes that it comes from the French word sonder, which means "to plumb the depths." The term began as a neologism, an invented word meant to describe a universal feeling and fill a gap in the English language. But it has since caught on in wider usage and even appears in Merriam-Webster.Some people describe sonder as a melancholy or even overwhelming feeling—of course, it does have a pretty sorrowful origin. Others, however, have learned to embrace it when it comes. - YouTube www.youtube.com Mitchell M. Handelsman writes for Psychology Today that he does not view sonder as a negative emotion. Quite the contrary:"Sonder becomes even more important as I teach students who are different from me. Most of my students are different on at least some of almost every conceivable dimension—age (this difference grows every year!), gender, ambitions, test performance, grades, place of birth, religion, height, writing ability, intellectual prowess, political beliefs, academic experiences, hair color, sexual preference, family background, etc. Appreciating students' lives as rich, complex, and important may set the stage for greater understanding, relating, and learning."Appreciating and leaning into feelings of sonder can help us grow our empathy for one another.One commenter summed it up beautifully: "This used to terrify me but it now soothes me deeply and helps round out my compassion and wonder at the world."Another said: "Honestly everyone says that this is a depressing reality, but I kinda feel comfort in it. The fact that every person you see all has their own lives means that there is always something good happening in the world, no matter how miserable it seems sometimes."
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